pop-id

a nice day in seoul

2007-05-07T00:35:00.001-07:00

about one year ago i started pop-id. its goal was to explore pop culture on the personal level. it was an interesting, but, in terms of its original purpose, failed enterprise. practicing writing outside of the academic or professional spheres was valuable, but i never made a successful transition from private diary to public blog. the result was me writing about me thinking about me... ostensibly for others' consumption. realizing this seemed awfully indulgent and embarrassing.

making the transition from the usa to korea provided a good excuse to send pop-id out to pasture and to try again. as i learned from my asian walkabout last fall, traveling makes good fodder for writing. being in unfamiliar environs makes the dull seem vivid; not speaking korean makes simple, mundane tasks exhausting. i hope this reality is appreciated by readers who seek special cultural moments or a hearty chuckle. ultimately my new weblog's goal is to record how seoul inspires this half-korean homo's exploration of additional racial / cultural / national identities. sure, it's still about me, but i hope that my interests in korea, culture, identity and travel might intersect with yours. thanks for the memories.

check out my shiny new weblog here.

truly fragrant

2007-04-24T19:10:00.000-07:00

im back in asia after almost 5 months away. its good to be back. because it didnt cost more, i scheduled my flight to allow a few hours to putz about in hong kong before leaving for seoul tonight. after de-planeing, it was but a few short minutes through immigration and customs to the bag check, where i left my backpack, fetched hong kong dollars from the atm and proceded to the airport express, which whisks ya to the central mtr station in less than 30 mins. international travel can be so easy.

im writing from a free internet kiosk on victorias peak, a tourist ~~trap~~ wonderland high above hong kong. the spectacular views of highrises flanking victoria harbour are obscured a bit by thick clouds, but its still nice. and tho the weather is actually quite lovely, ive been reacquainted with asias humidity and am thankful for the misty cool up here. after heading back down ill spend the next few hours shopping, visiting a photography exhibit at the visual arts center (from china to italy on a motorcycle) and then will head to admiralty to have lunch with a korean/chinese guy with a black mans name.

i have had basically no emotional reaction to leaving the states or being back in asia, which is weird. no nostalgia, sadness or trepidation. what i did recall upon emerging from the central hk mtr stop was asias smell. its the pungent mix of food, vehicle exhaust and laundry, and the conspicuous absence of natural smells and body odor/perfume. the heavy humidity holds these smells closer to the earth and doesnt let them escape into the ether. for now im ok with that.

on another note, once in seoul i shall bid pop-id adieu. its been real but pants is moving on. stay tuned for the new url.

xo pants

update: the exhibit was pretty fantastic. the italian vagabond was there in the flesh to detail his exploits. i wanted to exchange stories about pakistan with him but didnt. his photos helped push kashgar (tibet), iran and turkey to the top of my travel list. anybody want to join me? the traditional cantonese dim sum at pacific place was yummy. i think the zung ju gai (glutinous rice with pork wrapped in a lotus leaf) was my favorite. so glad for the hk layover.

pink plastic

2007-04-23T02:03:00.000-07:00

it was a hectic 41 hours between arriving back in chicago and leaving for san francisco. no surprise most of it was spent packing, cleaning and squeezing the most facetime possible with my lil quapa monster (aka zuzu). i had to spurn (most of) my thrifty urges to pack things like nyquil, q-tips and the like... saving a couple bucks at the expense of another suitcase aint worth it and i hear they also have medicine and ear wax in asia.

its been a couple of years since ive visited sf and im really enjoying it. i love to hate this place, but even if the people are smug, the topography is undeniably beautiful and the weather is a step up from seattle. this morning i jogged along the embarcadero until i hit fort mason and wound my way back beside the cable cars on bay, hyde and lombard streets, thru chinatown and back towards touristy union square. the hills provide delicious lookouts for city planning dorks like me. thanks to sweet pinoy danny, i also enjoyed spectacular views of the city from a drizzly twin peaks and of the pacific ocean from the blustery cliffs of lands end.

i think i read that plastic grocery bags are banned here. yet while reading a plaque about the previous renderings of union square a pink plastic bag imprinted with a red rose and the words 'thank you' kept swirling around me. the bags haphazard dance, audacious color and illegality reminded me of sfs conspicuous mentally ill homeless population and the very volatile feel of downtown. when armageddon comes, its coming here first. the evangelicals have said as much.

lately i get confused about where i am. nyc? hong kong? but in a few short hours ill be seoulbound on a cathay pacific 747. hopefully another locale wont exacerbate my confusion.

a suggestion longing for companionship

2007-04-15T07:49:00.000-07:00

im in a comfortable rental apartment in nycs upper west side listening as the ac unit propped under my bedroom window stops raindrop freefall. with 8 inches falling in just 24 hours, its nycs wettest day on record. rain like this is a good meditation on letting go and accepting greater forces than your own. yes, im very wet and uncomfortable, yes with every step my new pretty shoes become trash, but life really aint so hard.

being alone in an apt (as opposed to a hotel room) reminds me of my recent past in seattle and my near future in seoul. over the past few months in chicago ive become accustomed to the sounds of someone else in the kitchen, someone else changing tv channels or my nieces sleepy breathing over the baby monitor. but when alone, its just me and mother nature who decide when/what noise is made and this largely quiet, controlled environment is the sound of independence. of all the senses, i think sound is what i most associate with loneliness... with touch a close second. tho loneliness has been a recurring theme im still not sure if i am. 'independent' sounds better anyway ;)

tonight i had dinner with a good guy i met two nights prior when cuz and i met up with chuckles, cindybro, justin and co. over moist peruvian meats we shared a conversation laden with personal content and virtually void of alcohol. this mix conceived a different, often serious vibe not typically associated with a flirting-our-way-into-each-others-pants routine. what was typical however was my exaggerated disappointment with where things were left, my pondering about whatifs, and me wondering why im so eager for obsessive/exclusive puppy love... perhaps i should rebrand it as 'hopeless romanticism'? ah, words.

on that note lately ive been imagining how appearance / behavior / mannerisms translate 10-20 years down the road. when the 20-something diagnoses his over intellectualization of emotions it sounds like self-awareness... 10 years later does it sound more like regret and translate into a cold, emotionally disconnected father? does the angsty quarter life-crisis blogger become the boring, self-involved loser who needs to get a job? is it already too late?

since im attracted to quasi-empirical projects i should make a chart split into two columns. on the left is your age, on the right are common cliches particular to that age. ex: age 25 <--> im insecure about my lack of accomplishments and nostalgic for my youth. resolved these feelings at 23? congrats, youre slightly ahead of your time! thinking/living this popular cliche at 28? uhoh, youre slipping into loserville. my chart may not be super complicated or compassionate, but its not my fault we hominids are a predictable lot.

a reunion of sorts

2007-04-13T23:32:00.000-07:00

several of my family members converged on nyc this weekend for a friends wedding. it also so happens that i have more friends living in the big apple than anywhere else save seattle. bringing cousin lisa/jayne/cybil together with a former coworker, ex, volunteer and a coupla handsome new asian dudes for dinner, drinks and dancing was a hoot.

i wanted to see you before you die

2007-04-08T21:20:00.000-07:00

its been a surreal two days as an unfamiliar bout of anxiety has swirled in my tum. typically i welcome these collaborative physical/emotional reactions but this time theyve made me feel uncharacteristically out of control.

this evening i ate bad thai food on the culver city side of venice with my friend nancy. we had just returned from canyon country where we visited our friend. she was lucid and upbeat despite pain meds and what we were told are the waning days of stage 4 breast cancer. as always our girl was vivacious and bossy, impulsive and wise, apologetic, emotional and loving. not that i was expecting an elaborate mourning ceremony, but her matter-of-fact words about dying while we enjoyed champagne and watched the magic flick 'the prestige' were unexpected. i kept hearing myself tell her, 'i wanted to see you before i move to korea' instead of 'i wanted to see you before you die'. she would have been ok with me not being wimpy and saying the latter. its rare that being somewhere/doing something feels perfect.

the joy of flying

2007-04-08T21:03:00.001-07:00

heres a report on the oft-bemoaned state of us air travel. i just returned on american airlines #1400 from lax to ord. first off, there wasnt a seat to spare. second, despite the 4 hour duration, they didnt even give us pretzels, tho they were pleased to offer us complimentary beverage service (rad!) and the opportunity to buy a snickerdoodle cookie for $3. third, for $2 i could have purchased headphones (ours to keep!) to watch renee zellwiger playing a hallucinating bunny-drawing lady in what appears to be the worst movie ever made.

the best part of my flight however was the strong and unmistakable smell of human urine around (on?) my seat. i maxed out the air stream above my seat in the only somewhat successful attempt to push the pee aroma elsewhere. in case #1 wasnt enough a persistent fart stench kept wafting my way. at home such an odor has me asking my niece if she has a bumbum in her diaper. i fantasized about standing up and announcing, 'whoever it is, stop farting. the bathroom is 2 rows away, you disgust me!' i have no idea why writing that made me think of forrest whitakers performance of idi amin in 'the last king of scotland'. whatever, im embracing it.

the great white north

2007-03-27T21:23:00.000-07:00

ill keep this quick. im in boston on a work stint, but theres still something unnerving to me about white parents who raise their black adopted children in a totally white environment and whose children (unsurprisingly) view themselves as being outside blackness, rather than simply broadening its definition to include folks like themselves who "act/talk white" and who feel more comfortable around white people than black. no wonder when the only exposure they have to black people and culture is through stereotypes via mtv. i hope adoptive mommy and daddy dont think theyre doing chrissy any favors. oy vey.

too nauseous

2007-03-24T21:24:00.001-07:00

i poisoned myself this weekend. i was cajoled to buy the 'real stuff' by the enthusiastic, if questionably sane, washington state liquor control board store employee. he insisted that i purchase 'true' scotch instead of the grain spirit-diluted forgeries. i was too distracted by his teeth and eccentric facial hair to think clearly. i woke up this morning extremely nauseous with virtually no recollection of the night prior. photos on my camera suggest i dropped trou in two venues and triumphantly poured a full beer onto my chest at rplace. i think it was really fun seeing friends, etc... i just dont remember any of it. furthermore, puking 2x at brunch this morning wasnt cool. for future reference im better suited to the cheap imitation grain spirits. ahoy.

winking kissy faces, nipple grabbing, erekson sister dynamics and kk/jb sexual tension, all per usual.

world homo laws

2007-03-14T21:30:00.000-07:00

i found this interesting. geez, seems like homo issues are in the news every damn day. click the map to enlarge.

congratulations! (?)

2007-03-13T22:49:00.000-07:00

after a few warm sunny days the dirty snow drifts have melted and the sheet of ice on the chicago river is breaking up. praise jesus, spring is (almost) here! warm air smells different and dramatic seasonal changes always put me into nostalgic overdrive. new environments typically trigger heightened awareness of my surroundings. hearing a bird sing today after so many months of cold silence made me smile.

the more reading i do about seoul the more excited i am about relocating there. chatting online with random guys in seoul and peppering them with questions about where i should live and reading seoulite blogs has also helped to make the move more real. in fact yesterday i felt my first tinge of butterflies in my tum. by now i know that theres usually a lag between my rational and emotional reactions, and it looks like the emotional is just starting to register.

one weird thing thats been happening is that people keep telling me 'congratulations' for moving. congrats for what? i havent been appointed ambassador or won a contest. im relocating to a very safe country where i have family and where, if all else fails, i can easily make decent money teaching english. sure, my korean sucks and culture shocks will abound but its not like i have to learn bird or something. i know that some people view moving to another country scary/risky but i guess im continually surprised at how 'risk' averse folks are. worst case scenario? my ass is back in chicago in a coupla months. baby jesus lets hope not.

goal: 24/7 tangerine parties

2007-03-12T21:08:00.001-07:00

thanks to mr thich nhat hanh for simple mindfullness meditations over the past couple of weeks. helpful exercises when one is particularly distracted. thanks, sashyama.

get together

2007-03-11T19:21:00.000-07:00

before moving to seoul next month im visiting the ole haunts for a few days. to all yall: lets get together for a memorable evening. please join in for one or all of the following:

friday, march 23
8p: low key food, booze and girl talk at the bellora loft
10p: vogueing at viceroy in belltown
1a?: dancing and debauchery into the wee hours on cap hill

id love to see u! (since this may be the last opportunity for a while, this would be a great time to look pretty ;) friends are welcome. rsvp here for directions.

(ps the pic is of daegu, 1954)

effectively single

2007-03-09T21:25:00.001-08:00

since age 13, with the exception of about one year, i have always been single. usually i am honest and admit that i prefer it this way, but sometimes im distracted by the hours i spend perusing cute guys online profiles and flirting with them via IM or face-to-face. its fun to recount to family and friends my latest socially and/or physically awkward bout, and these episodes help to create an entertaining story that im actively searching for a partner without luck.

truth is, tonight i come home from a 4th date with a remarkable guy who wants to make an emotional commitment and ive lost interest. at dinner i noticed my telltale sign- i stop making eye contact with him. his general greatness makes my reluctance more obvious and reminds me that im not looking for a boyfriend. i dont want a partner, or, specificially, im unwilling to give up whatever part(s) of me thats necessary for a relationship to work. do i congratulate myself for so effectively avoiding what i dont want, or perhaps i should figure out what it is about a relationship that freaks me out so much.

race and pronouns

2007-03-02T09:31:00.000-08:00

mixed? get over yourself.

for the past few months i noticed something funny. when referring to 'asian,' 'asian americans,' 'koreans,' 'caucasoids,' 'homos,' 'mixed,' 'people of color,' etc. i seem to curiously avoid first-person pronouns for all of them. hmmm it must be because im beyond race and have become colorblind. har har. in any case, i guess peeking into the world of subsconsciously identification is interesting.

measuring mood

2007-03-01T22:33:00.000-08:00

its been 2 months since i started daily measurements of my mood and im disappointed to report that im less happy than i would have guessed. undiagnosed ocd is the best kind.

retirement: year one

2007-02-28T21:32:00.000-08:00

today marks one year since i quit my job. strangely the 12 months since hasnt felt especially short or long. my instinct is to say that this post-mavin transition is taking too long - that i should already be in korea, forming a new company or have a book deal in hand. despite this overfunctioning antsy-ness, this time last year i told myself the time off would be good despite inevitable sadness, boredom, confusion, loneliness and the like. now im being challenged to believe it.

good memories from masian foundasian

no doubt retirement has had its ups and downs (the obvious perks are not being a boss or working unhealthy hours ;). whats been both liberating and confusing is taking off my mavin identity and retiring it to the bin of past selves... the pianist, the plant man, the social worker. somewhat comforting is that at one point those identities felt equally dominant.

what individuals create says something about them, but shouldnt be mistaken for them. i want my presence alone to convey who i am. to that end, its been enlightening to see how i took for granted the way my job and history commanded peoples respect, and why i relied too heavily on it to lubricate my interactions. now, as i stumble through the latest 'what do you do?' question (its my new 'what are you?') i catch myself making obnoxious comments that expose my insecurity and opportunities for growth.

while i try to be conscious of the ways that im changing i see my friendships also changing and those people reacting differently to me. its helped me see the daunting amounts of time and energy i expend trying to connect with people only to invest an equal effort to neglect or actively dissolve the same relationships. i wish id channel that energy into more productive pursuits.

in sum i guess that the past year has been exactly what its 'supposed' to be (my life the cliche will expose itself under 5 more minutes of scrutiny). doing something supposedly risky like moving abroad with little to no plan also feels appropriate, if not predictable. even if i havent been particularly happy lately, ive been more aware. as long as this path doesnt lead me to the most hackneyed destination of reasonably intelligent people - the existential abyss - im gravy.

chilly in hotlanta

2007-02-24T15:06:00.000-08:00

purple half-koreans

its been some time since i told my girl cindy that id visit her in atlanta. with korea coming up and presidents day guaranteeing her a 3-day teachers weekend, i booked a flight. cindy was one of my first employees way back when we bonded over our dysfunctional half-korean families and an unparalleled ability to get goofy in each others company. shes always been special to me, perhaps best expressed in my consistent (but generally unfamiliar) role as friendship maintainer, despite her periodic attempts of sabotage.

anti-miscegenation laws

experiencing atlantas segregated nightlife and spelunking through the little 5 points and virginia highlands neighborhoods was fun. seeing groups of korean tourists at ebenezer baptist church and the king center was a nice surprise. being unprepared for how several years apart had changed each other and our friendship was... difficult, not priceless. i hate how mastercard has appropriated the several sentences started with gerunds format. anyhow, our convoluted communication routine means im not sure to what extent she also noticed our changed dynamic but we feel different and im apprehensive to see where we go next.

happy new year!

2007-02-18T22:04:00.000-08:00

heres wishing all yall a happy, healthy and prosperous year of the golden boar! gool gool! like your korean pig taught ya.

nine weeks til soko

2007-02-16T15:26:00.000-08:00

after considerable rigamarole figuring out work dates with clients and trying to find days when i could use my frequent flier miles to soko (south korea), my nine-ish weeks before leaving the usa are set.

yes to atlanta, boston, new york, seattle, sf and honkers; no to honolulu and europe (if youre interested in a roundtrip flight to europe with 3 nights hotel for just $449+, go here).

if were simultaneously in any of these locales, lets rumble:

2/17-20: atlanta
3/20-24: seattle
3/25-27: boston
4/11-18: new york
4/21-23: san francisco
4/25: hong kong
4:26-> seoul

im mildly concerned that my life of late seems to be periods of more or less ennui punctuated by trip preparation.

now: only for the young

2007-02-15T10:11:00.000-08:00

one must only watch the (boring) live broadcast of space shuttles landing on every major tv station to know that a different generation decides whats on air and consequently stunts the mediums creativity. perhaps thats why there are hundreds of channels with very little on thats worth watching. one must only hear/read/watch the awkward mentions of 'blogs' and 'youtube' by reporters to know 'current' news is obsolete. no wonder youngins eschew the news and make their own media. theyd be bored silly otherwise.

hapy vday!

2007-02-14T09:26:00.000-08:00

80 degree swing

2007-02-08T14:15:00.000-08:00

located 48 km south of the bahamas and just north of hispanola, turks and caicos is 40 islands set amongst the worlds 3rd largest reef. about 15000 'belongers' call them home. they are reportedly descended from 193 slaves whose ship trouvadore wrecked off east caicos in 1841.

abandoned ship

given the delightfully warm temps (fully 80 degrees warmer than where i left) and delicious breezes, it seems bratty to frown while napping under casuarina trees in the porch hammock, tummy full from gorging on fritters made from endangered caribbean queen conch (relax, theyre farmed here). saying anything other than 'its been wonderful' seems awfully spoilt after spending an afternoon fishing off the reef or seeing the shallow water illuminated by millions of glowworms 5 days after a full moon.

siblings

but for some reason this hasnt been the vacation i imagined. despite my sisters inlaws hospitality, i still feel tense being in someone elses home- involuntarily shuffling in and out of their family drama. but it aint all that. i can tell that even in solitude id feel this weird tightness in my torso whose cause i cannot pinpoint. all said its been good to be reunited with zuzu and sissy, to have started and finished a novel (been a while) and to get some color despite my prodigious application of sunscreen because although black dont crack, off-white do.

dangerous crap

2007-02-07T13:44:00.000-08:00

'freedom writers' documents the heroic struggles of a noble white teacher in the belly of the beast: an innercity high school classroom teeming with black and brown gangbangers.

sound familiar? probably because its one of hollywoods favorite cliches. the movies title references the civil rights movement. so hillary swank is like a white mlk? as if our white brothers and sisters havent received enough credit for their community work. i, for one, have little patience for people who appropriate struggle, feign humility and then grab the reigns and reinforce oppression under the guise of "social justice".

in my experience as both a student and as an education consultant, a more compelling (yet never told) tale follows the intrepid brown teacher who is humiliated by an affluent, suburban, predominately white private school where institutionalized isms abound, and bitchy bored moms in tracksuits run amok. id pay to see it.

ultimately writing is embarrassing

2007-01-28T13:42:00.000-08:00

i was looking through one of the boxes i had mailed here from seattle and found a thick manila folder labeled 'book'. inside was a curious mix of papers that had inspired an earlier attempt to draft a book proposal for an interested literary agent and publisher. 3 years later im contemplating trying again, but reading over the embarrassing poetry and proposal narrative makes me apprehensive.

plans change: europe?!

2007-01-23T09:53:00.001-08:00

since moving to seoul this spring has become a question of when not if, ive been trying to sketch out a coherent itinerary for my last months stateside. in addition to some west indian sun next month, im juggling modest work obligations and a wedding in nyc, a long-time-no-see weekend with my seoul sister in atl, and i should visit mommy in seattle before leaving the hemisphere. danggit id also like to go to o'ahu if i can use miles and score free diggs. no surprise it all comes down to time and money.

stop the insanity! this morning my travel buddy krissy called to confirm that she is attending a paris wedding in early may. hmmm... im going to research some options. if anyone has european sightseeing recommendations, available accommodations, or wants to rendezvous/tag along, please let me know!

the week without distractions

2007-01-22T12:57:00.000-08:00

according to a formula by cardiff university psychologist cliff arnall, the monday of the last full week of january is the years most depressing day. 'blue monday,' as he calls today, is caused by the combination of xmas debt, yucky weather and new years resolutions already being neglected (btw his formula calculates june 22 as the happiest day).

not my hood

turns out dr cliff was a few days late. it was early last week when the blues managed to interrupt my routine. i lacked energy and inspiration. i felt lonely and lame. figuring out why wasnt so tough. im friendless in suburban chicago, my lil niece has been out of the country for 3 wks, and ive continued my hobby of looking for love in all the wrong places.

given the evidence, im surprised that its taken this long for the doldrums to interrupt my daily grind. but ah ha! it turns out its the routine itself - cleverly filled with gobs of distractions - that keeps reality at bay. ive blocked my creative impulse with the familiar detritus of social websites, porn, npr and sim city, apparently preferring to 'keep busy' to the endorphin rush of discovering and doing new things. 'comfort' comes in many forms, i guess.

with this in mind and a swift spank for my so-far mediocre adherence to my new years resolutions, i have designated this week 'the week without distractions'. for the next 7 days i will try to spurn anything designed to dull the senses, thereby revealing the vivid life.

2007 all asia pass!

2007-01-09T06:13:00.000-08:00

cathay pacific airlines has wasted no time to announce their 2007 all asia pass promotion! this is one of the best deals in the travel industry and having taken advantage of it last year, i *highly* recommend it to anyone who is looking to do some travel in asia this year.

for 2007, $1399 buys you access to any (or all) of 23 destinations originating in 3 us cities over a 21-day period:

you can add destinations in india, bangladesh, viet nam, australia or nz for another $300-550 each or extend your travel beyond 21 days for an additional $250-400. summer travel (may 18-aug 19) also incurs a $450 surcharge. note that most flights route through hong kong (a wonderful airport) and you must book your trip through a travel agent.

even tho its more expensive than last year, the added standard fare options of manila, phuket and phnom penh make it well worth it and where else can you travel from the states to multiple locations in asia for this cheap? lemme know if u need any help putting together your itinerary or connecting you with one of the few travel agents who are familiar with this promotion. cathay was voted #1 airline last year for good reason. traveling on a non-usa airline means good food, 1/2-full flights and courteous (and hot) flight attendants. now go plan your adventure!

technical: fotos up

2007-01-06T12:51:00.000-08:00

greetings friends. even tho zorpia was free and started by a cute asian dude, i was wooed by flickrs yummy interface and have taken the past few days to migrate most of my photo albums over there. ive also uploaded a few new ones just for kicks. sucks i forgot about googles free picasa. lets hope i can control my undiagnosed ocd long enough to avoid migrating everything over there within the month. unlikely.
view all of my photos here.

resolved

2007-01-01T16:30:00.001-08:00

my mother instilled a fair amount of superstition in me as a wee lad. shaking ones leg forfeits luck, the number 4 represents death and spitting after hearing the word 'monkey' improves your luck. her smorgasbord of beliefs came from korean and other asian traditions as well as just original inspiration from mamas noggin. oma also shared the widespread conviction that what transpires on new years day influences the rest of the year.

so i was happy to wake up on jan 1 2007 sans hangover, to spend my morning in good company, clean the house, go for a run, read my book and bathe myself- all good activities lest i want to spend the next 364 days sick, lonely, illiterate, fat and dirty. weeks earlier i wasnt looking forward to spending new years alone at home while family and friends partied it up in bangkok, la and providenciales. but as the date approached having solo time to reflect on 2006 and penning new years resolutions fireside were nice.

samchun+zuzu: together for the first time

in review 2006 was an outstanding year. it started out rough with my final 8 weeks at mavin, but in retrospect that yuck confirmed that leaving was a good thing and provided several vivid lessons that will remain in my life skills box longer than a sweet and sentimental goodbye would have. the following 10 months as a retiree were amazing. highlights include my 3-month asian holiday that has already joined the life highlights reel and spending time with baby, which has been mastercard priceless. perhaps most importantly has been kicking 8 years of constant colds. in 2006 i went 11 months without my infamous 'thousand year cough' and am no longer scurred that im carrying some undiagnosed/undiscovered strain of tuberculosis. i also did a lot more writing in 2006 and my less wounded responses to unflattering critiques means ive made progress on becoming more secure and mature.

im very excited for 2007. besides having an aesthetically pleasing, sleek look, 2007 will see the culmination (or continuation?) of my physical and occupational post-mavin transition. by years end i expect to be in korea and to have a short answer to the question, 'what do you do?'

lately ive found myself looking back with something just short of regret- lamenting the myriad occasions i did not make bolder actions earlier. unlike those 30-minute afternoon recesses in first grade that seemed to last forever, as i age time passes quickly and i take time (mine and others) less for granted. tho its easy to make excuses and be lazy, 365 days is so short as to inspire panic (or resignation) when making lifes plans so in 2007 i resolve to actively nuture two areas: education and interaction.

interaction
i admit to sometimes talking as a verbal alternative to breathing. instead this year i will participate in content-laden conversations filled with precisely chosen words, even when awkward pauses to locate the exact word makes me want to rush or abandon the process. and when the words arent flowing i want to reject the urge to congest contemplative silences with the white noise of chicago public radio, by incessantly logging onto social networking websites or by listening to the same 10 songs on my ipod. in 2007 i will also be more valuable to people by being a more generous listener and through more unconditional giving. on the weblog front although ive enjoyed interacting with folks on here i must identify a clearer purpose and a more integrated strategy for pop-id.

education
ive gone from getting my school districts highest test scores to being called a 'himbo' a coupla months back. i need to get more learned. to this end i will read lots and lots and keep writing in 2007. furthermore i will be more curious about learning how things like zinc gluconate and economies work instead of just accepting that they do, or improvising a less-efficient old skool solution when i dont feel like reading the manual. i will also finally learn to speak functional korean and continue my search for a spiritual home. hysterical homo-obsessed christianity is totally on the outs but exploring buddhisms desire and suffering cycle is intruiging.

humans need milestones and january 1 provides an institutional, collective one for much of the world. even so, the new year is also a very personal and private opportunity for reflection, analysis and goal setting. with big but realistic goals in place i feel ready for the hard but exhillarating steps to make them reality. happy new year everyone! xo

defining the power couple

2006-12-19T12:52:00.000-08:00

i have vague recollections of intense homo pangs for my middle school classmates and daydreaming about the occasional composite caucasian dude. by the time i started acting out on my fantasies, however i was angry at my uppity white prep schoolers so black men became the objects of my affection. in my early 20s i found fancy with the cuban and puerto rican lot until my hispanic predilections turned continental. my mexican phase was generally followed by a hankering for half-white asians, who look mexican but are culturally more compatible. unfortunately they also tend to be annoying so it made sense that during my recent trips to asia i realized that pure mongoloids define hotness.

recent reflection arose concern that my changing preferences were institutional racism at work. maybe, but the more obvious explanation is that my taste has always reflected my evolving racial identity (and narcissism ;). in asian american studies and liberal arts theoretical masturbation land, nuthin says self-hate like a caucasian bf. sure white people are a mess and lawd knows id feel self conscious skipping down madison avenue alongside my white knight, but im bored with people being personally hurt by who some stranger dates. sure its sad that the majority of asians find the mirrors reflection unattractive and no, its not a coincidence that finding sexy and masculine asian men on tv is still a surprise (thanks, yul!). but who really knows why eugene is dating kyle, and ultimately, why do i care? truth is that some of my asian brothers and sisters will find empowering interracial unions whereas others just want their orifices colonized. i bid everyone good luck and gods speed.

why are whiteys the only unempowering complement anyway? unlike us, black and latino guys are cast as super sexual and masculine. thats racist but it still suggests that the only purely politically righteous coupling is two asians... unless one of em is japanese, of course. in the end im upset by the illness but uninterested in the symptoms. instead of flashing stink eye at 'bad asians' time is better spent discouraging asian men from affirming their masculinity through an ill-fitting (white) paradigm.

truth is, on average asian guys are shorter and slimmer than most blacks, whites and latinos. on average we are less hairy, have softer skin and smaller dicks. the dominant paradigm classifies all of these characteristics as less masculine. in response many of us abandon hope and become campy cariacatures or we flirt with the other extreme and worship the gym until we look bubbly, weird and transparently insecure. as a gay asian-ish man who identifies strongly as both gay and a man but who isnt particularly small, smooth or soft, i think medium-sized, smooth and soft guys are - stop the presses - irresistibly hot. instead of mutating our bodies to fit anothers ideal can we do the ironically easier thing and aspire for something that appreciates our natural state? confidence is alluring. when we start finding ourselves hot others will too.

in my experience self-perception and defining whats hot (physical and not) are interrelated and are moving targets. date, fuck and cohabitate with who you want. as you indulge in your reflexive desires however consider your patterns (racial and otherwise) to see whats empowering vs narcissistic or overcompensating? whats self-hate vs happenstance? if you do this, then i wont feel responsible to do it for you. healthy relationships contribute to making happy, confident and mature adults who simultaneously empower themselves and their people while not taking others dating preferences personally. its cold outside and spooning generates remarkable heat, so get to it!

finding resolution

2006-12-13T04:35:00.000-08:00

although i left asia 2+ weeks ago its early this morning on my last day in seattle that my fall travel escapade comes to a close. in a few hours i will be back in chicago surreally repeating my pre-asia routine. with precious little time left, im glad to be looped up on booze even as it exacerbates my persistent cough. why am i drunk you ask? its thanks to a debaucherous night just completed with jon and kimi that started slow but whose finale was ripped and roaring.

kimi and i worked together in mavins early days. jon was an intern and through him we met jpo. the four of us formed an uncommon bond we coined the xbox to symbolize our electric connections to each other and to our collective (think of a box with an x in the middle connecting its corners rather than a microsoft game console). they were heady times. i hadnt thought it would appear in that form but the xbox finally granted pants his posse, if only for a hot second. unfortunately (inevitably?) we were immature and self involved. we confused boundaries of friendship, romance and lust. the xbox proved too volatile and it combusted in a protracted mess of hurted feelings, egos and relationships.

its been a long road back and although the xbox is forever dead, tonight felt like the successful culmination of slow and steady reconciliation. along the way each of us got some of the explicit and implied 'im sorrys' we needed but we also let some of the yucky energy go thereby demonstrating the benefit of time and maturity. all of us are in the midst of dynamic life transitions. kimi got married, jon is moving to germany with his man, jpo is in japan caring for her mother and im, well... doing my thing. in short order we will find ourselves in four different time zones or continents so its fitting that we make our peace.

in this season of resolutions i feel so fresh and so clean to have this debacle resolved. sure there will always be regrets even tho i know it couldnt have transpired differently. but with judith bjini symposiums (jons alter ego) and pride 2007 reunions in the works the future bodes us well. when i arrive back in chicago tomorrow im inspired to revisit a list of things old and new to work on. new years resolutions are good in theory even if they arent ultimately fulfilled. theres always value in seeing previous priorities and if/how/why they were met or ignored.

good grief

2006-12-07T13:44:00.000-08:00

about an hour ago i asked my father if he knew i was gay, which i guess was just one of any number of ways to come out. as with all of my 'hello, im homo' moments, it was uneventful and accompanied by unconditional affirmation. yea. the disclosure was as spontaneous as waiting 6 years after having already told everyone else important in my life could be. this morning my heretofore failure to tell him seemed bizarre and wimpy.

rows of dormant pinot

i assumed he already knew. he said he didnt. the line immediately preceding the question was another one: 'can i ask you a funny question?' he replied, 'funny haha or funny peculiar?' hes predictable and in retrospect of course he would have asked that. i said, 'potentially both.' lookin back my transparent strategy was to couch my homoness as a foregone conclusion to make a dramatic reaction less likely. to his credit he did the perfect supportive parent response- along the lines of 'whats important is that he loves me and just wants me to be happy.' he surprised me by asking if i had someone special in my life. even more peculiar was him saying, ' i thought u were going to drop a different bombshell.' my response, 'like what?' was met by a 'i dont know'. we left it at that. oh the unsaid world of men.

we spent the next thirty minutes walking around his vineyard discussing bird hunting and grapevines as we always do. it didnt feel like denial or an awkward attempt at normalcy.

despite what was an important action on my part and a satisfying response on his, i feel overwhelming sadness. as i drove away i felt full and heavy with grief. tho an unexpected reaction, on the bright side these surprising, undeniable emotions remind me im alive. my lame spin on descartes would be 'i feel before i think, therefore i am,' but there is truly something comforting about being overwhelmed by a surge of emotions before being able to pinpoint their source. attributing emotions after the fact also seems like good training for how to empathize with others.

i need more time to think. writing about it is distracting me and altering that process. what seems obvious is that my reaction isnt about coming out per se. its about my father being the last to know. not so much because i feared his reaction as that i wanted to suggest that his reaction had little relevance to my life given our distant and superficial relationship. in that sense waiting all this time was a passive but still harsh 'fuck you.' for some time ive known that i harbor an enormous sense of loss at not having a father. recognizing this void and trying different ways to fill it are familiar pursuits. if nothing more, this was an unexpected opportunity to grieve.

well, im in the sunset presbyterian church parking lot and its presentation time. these emotions in tandem with sudafed and robitussin should make for a good show. ahoy.

my hometown: prettier than urs

2006-12-06T15:08:00.000-08:00

on the heels of my speed dating excursion through asia im finding growing evidence that mr pants is segueing into a... gasp... relationship mindset. find me a salary man and knock me up... its baby time! this heretofore bizarre idea took hold in tokyo when lady poulson said she was no longer ltr-averse. and to think i was just starting to enjoy enjoying being single. but heck, if ms transient coochie is ready to settle down then i is too. at first glance traditional boundaries suggest that my helter skelter present and future are ill-suited for settling down. but if those unmistakeable tremors of love hit, beware of collapsing infrastructure as all will be in flux.

in the meantime, here are some pretty sunset pics from seattles waterfront park. theres nuthin like natural cliches to make me feel empowered about being corny. im off to portland!

more seattle photos here.

delirious ramblings its snowing delicious

2006-11-29T19:08:00.000-08:00

31 hours with sister, baby and louis in balmy chicago and then i was back on a plane this morning for temps in the teens and snow on the ground. ill be in the great white northwest for 2 weeks for consulting gigs in seattle and portland. working again feels good in theory but moving east 12 time zones has me jetlagged and two sleepless nights in tokyo spawned a sore throat and the anxiety of a super vulnerable immune system. pending obligations have me uncharacteristically alternating between venti-sized coffees and popping nyquil liquigels like codeine after a pesky cough. maybe this is why america feels weird?

my cocktail inspires weird dreams of the several-hour-hard-on variety. the most vivid had me at a huge archaeological excavation in some unspecified pan asian site. theres excitement and danger as i sift through priceless unearthed treasures, deciding which i will take home. at some point i start eating their fingers and heads and think they are tasty but am simultaneously repulsed as i am unsure if they are effigies or the real thing. guess ive been blessed/cursed with dreams that require little analysis.

the dream comes to me this afternoon while im in the midst of training facilitators for the nais annual people of color conference. the org has cajoled 3000 private school teachers and admins from across the nation to seattle and im paid to do 4 workshops on meeting their mixed heritage students needs. mixed people are annoying but the pay is good. (contrary to popular conjecture im not independently wealthy) im experiencing a familiar panic caused by my shoddy preparation just hours before showtime. tho theres also something kinda familiar and comforting about the adrenaline-fueled all nighter, im in a peculiar state of delirium and can only imagine how the impact of speaking english slow and simple for the past 3 months will reveal itself once im behind the mic. i need to bathe. lets face it cambodia and pakistan posts wont be up for weeks...

the asian travelogue (all together now)

2006-11-27T20:15:00.000-08:00

after quitting my job in february 2006, i took advantage of cathay pacifics 'all asia pass' and took three months to visit 11 asian countries. my shoddy memory compelled me to take decent notes about my travels. ample internet cafes along the way didnt hurt neither. it also turns out my meager readership much preferred these postings to my stateside ramblings. so, what follows is a largely chronological (and hopefully easier to navigate) travelogue of my journeys with links to photo albums. i hope they provide some entertaining insight into what was a wonderful fall walkabout.

malaysia
[photo album]
9/13: day 1
9/14: down in da bharu
9/15: jesus: alive, well and asian
9/16: last tango in the muddy confluence
9/18: selamat tinggal malaysia!

taiwan
[photo album]
9/19: global and personal instability tour
9/21: i shagged a model
9/22: taipei: a retrospective

singapore
[no photo album]
9/26: singas so far: lost and found
9/27: onward christian soldiers!

viet nam
[photo album]
9/29: evading a laotian elephant
9/30: half-hearted suicide
10/3: guilt soils compassion
10/4: a quick dip in halong bay
10/5: biking the soaring dragon city
10/6: tam biet and adieu
10/7: saigon samanthas homo hotspots

indonesia
[photo album]
10/11: pura pura pura!
10/12: bali memorial
10/13: some of my best relatives are white
10/14: oh dem bali days

hong kong
[photo album]
10/16: the eagle has landed!
10/17: lust in honkers

thailand
[phuket nation party photo album]
[bangkok photo album]
10/22: gyrating sinewy torsos
10/23: alone or lonesome? part 1: hate the game
10/24: alone or lonesome? part 2: emotional laxitives
10/25: alone or lonesome? part 3: bar dribbles
10/30: sampling bangkok glam
11/13: looking local

cambodia
[photo album]
10/26: cambodge impromptu
10/27: stunning angkor

pakistan
[photo album]
11/2: pakistan: the inauspicious start
11/3: privileged access
11/4: in the mughals garden
11/5: dining with pakistani cowboys
11/6: 3 encounters with fear

korea
[korea 2006 photo album]
[korea 2005 photo album]
11/9: home sweet good enough home
11/11: celebrating 90 years
11/12: content with whats next
11/19: holding my liquor

japan
[tokyo photo album]
[kyoto photo album]
11/24: kyoto colors
11/25: clumsy in tokyo
11/26: the end is nigh

the end is nigh

2006-11-26T01:56:00.000-08:00

it sounds dumb but it took me until this afternoon to realize that ill be back in the states tomorrow. ive always been aware of my 27 nov departure date but it was the combination of an overcast sky, chai tea latte, dull booze-induced headache and a stretch of vacant road outside the akasaka-mitsuke metro station that finally made it emotionally hit home.

a final glimpse of asian sky

after 3 months in asia im curious to know what will it be like to be stateside. i dont look forward to being overwhelmed by the white and obese, this xmas seasons old navy commercials or the agonizing verbal stumbles of our beloved leader each night on npr. i do look forward to reuniting with my family and friends during the holidays and the ease of familiar cultural nuances and routine.

im happy to say that months on the road has changed me. im curious if my altered physical predilections (and behavior) will revert and how ill bestow greater hospitality on friends and strangers. asia has been a remarkable host to its wayward longlost hybrid son and im grateful. with a mix of relief and trepidation, its time to get back to work.

clumsy in tokyo

2006-11-25T23:39:00.000-08:00

for a while now ive enjoyed airing the inappropriate opinion that the japanese are the closest thing we have to aliens on earth. of course, as i admire originality and absurdity this is a backward compliment. nows not the time to discuss the contradictory cultural components of hello kitty and kinky sex, but theres plenty else to explain why i am so often confused here in the islands... and me thinks it isnt by accident!

fart discretely

dont forget that despite their pop culture obsession with anything non-japanese (be it western or korean), this is the nation that was forcibly 'opened' by the us navy in 1854 after 200+ years of self-inflicted isolation. even as it ravenously consumes foreign culture i dont get the impression that the japanese want to be anyone else. while here they may be consuming my culture but im made very aware that i am the outsider. this boundary is maintained in part by a seemingly unending number of complex ceremonies for eating to greeting to gift wrapping to bath water saving that every outsider is bound to eventually pervert. once you goof (to everyones embarassment) youve earned the inevitable and insurmountable gaijin (外人 is literally: 'outside person') designation.

its not like koreans are averse to ceremony and im sure that id also misstep in sweden, but japan is where ive felt the most awkward and clumsy even while under the auspices of a native friend. its not just the explicit ceremonies that make me uneasy. its also the goofy expression and high pitched voice of the hotel bellman who delivers any news (be it directions to the atm or disclosing that my bags are lost) with an intonation and facial expression combining rapt fascination, naïveté and surprise!

kami-robo fighters

i like a good joke so part of my awkwardness is wondering if im the center of an elaborate comedy... tho sarcasm doesnt work well here. case in point is an exhibit? store? theatre? gym? on the lower level of the slick omotesando hills shopping complex in aoyama near uber trendy harajuku. posters advertise a 2-day event: a kami-robo 'fight' between maoh and blue killer. the space has an elevated boxing ring in one corner, a huge plasma tv and lots of huge colorful robots photographed in the midst of executing 'body' slams in another. two large glass cases contain hundreds of tiny paper replicas of the giant robos. one line of tables is positioned in the middle of the room. in front of each chair is paper, tape, scissors and a felt pen for passers-by to construct their own mini robo. adults solo and in tandem with their kids take their seats with cameras rolling. its kinda exciting!

ms jpo

i love this weird interactive performance art-ish hands-on exhibit thing. im not sure where reality and fantasy start or end but it sums up japan for me. its time for my rendezvous with jpo so i prepare to leave. ok, im getting ready to go now. ok, slight bow. oh! you are superior to me but bowed longer than i did so i bow again! im smiling, shuffling my feet slowly backwards. still smiling, i bow again, casting my eyes downward briefly. thank you so much! i continue to make progressively lighter bows, smiling, shuffling, nodding, see you again soon! ok, last bow i think. thank you! ok, one more bow! shuffle shuffle. goodbye!
more tokyo photos here.

kyoto colors

2006-11-24T11:20:00.000-08:00

my dear jpo insisted that we take a couple of days to visit kyoto, japans former capital for over 1000 years. although it was considered a target for the a-bomb it was ultimately spared from ww2 air raids, keeping its impressive retinue of 1600 buddhist temples, 400 shinto shrines, palaces and gardens (many of them designated world heritage treasures) mostly in tact. an hour or two after stumbling back from karaoke we rose with great difficulty, checked out of the b rappongi hotel, stashed my backpack in a tokyo train station locker, and hopped on the shinkansen (bullet train). japan is pricey. the 1.5 hour ride cost 円13,220 ($111) each way! as we chug-a-chugged along i was eager to see some of japan out my window but was too pooped. in a few minutes i succumbed to sleep.

upon reaching kyoto we made our way to the taxi queue and dropped off our bags before embarking on our temple tour. we chose a japanese holiday at the peak of fall colors so nihon tourists were everywhere but we nonetheless caught some impressive sights:

heian jingū (平安神宮)

a few blocks from our inn is a huge torii marking a grand entrance to the heian jingū (平安神宮), a shinto shrine featuring several bright orange buildings with green-tile roofs. built in 1895 to celebrate kyotos millennial bday, the shrine celebrates japans first and last kyoto-based emperors. inside i clumsily mimicked my hostess as she went through the various entrance rituals and later i stifled my desire to photograph a traditional wedding in progress.

kinkaku-ji (金閣寺)

kinkaku-ji (金閣寺 or golden pavilion) is japans most famous temple. part of the larger rokuon-ji temple and set on a serene lake, the pavilion is covered in brilliant gold leaf and topped by a golden fenghuang or chinese phoenix. it was originally built in 1397 as a retirement villa for shōgun ashikaga yoshimitsu but was converted into a zen temple after his death. the current structure was rebuilt in 1955 after a nutzo monk burned the place down five years prior. the fall foliage provided a spectacular complement.

the karesansui (枯山水) at ryōan-ji

ryōan-ji (temple of the peaceful dragon) is a unesco world heritage site best known for its karesansui (枯山水 or dry landscape rock garden), which is thought to have been laid down in the late 15th century by general hosokawa katsumoto. the garden measures 30 x 10 meters and includes 15 moss-blanketed rocks interrupting a bed of raked white gravel. japans most famous rocks are positioned so that only 14 are visible from any one angle- its said that only englightenment would reveal the 15th. according to some euro researchers, '...the implicit structure of the garden is designed to appeal to the viewers unconscious visual sensitivity to axial-symmetry skeletons of stimulus shapes.' you dont say? tho gorgeous and serene, meditiation was complicated by the several rows of gawking tourists snapping their visual momentos. check out the gardens website for some pretty amazing engrish.

kyotos kiyomizu-dera temple

currently in the running for the 'new 7 wonders of the world status, the spectacular kiyomizu-dera is a series of buildings first built in 798 (present structures constructed in 1633). the main building juts over a hillside and the otowa-no-taki waterfall and is supported by hundreds of pillars. there is a popular japanese expression (「清水の舞台から飛び降りる」) whose meaning is similar to what we anglophones mean when we reference "taking the plunge." as it went in the old days, if u survived the leap from kiyomizu your wish is granted. 35 of the 234 jumpers during the edo period didnt fare so well.

garden outside nijo castle

finally, nijo castle (二条城) is an impressive 275000 sq meter complex completed in 1626 that features two concentric rings of moats and fortifications. as the kyoto residence of the tokugawa shōgun, gold leaf, elaborate hinoki cypress carvings and extensive frescoes by kano school artists impressed visitors with the shōguns wealth and power. from the painting of clouds and various patterns, it was immediately obvious how much japanese painting influenced art deco. my favorite part of the castle was the uguisubari or 'nightingale floors' which were designed to foil sneak attacks since even the softest step causes nails to rub against the floorboard clamps and emit a beautiful chirping sound! the symphony created by scores of feet walking along the corridors was a delightful reminder of human ingenuity. (listen to a recording here).

geisha in gion district

aside from the temples we also enjoyed kyotos famous pastries and yours truly got to see real geisha (芸者) shuffling along in the citys historic gion district (祇園 or 祇をん). we also walked along a river and saw a few snowy egrets. spent from our temple-hopping we retired to a charming ryokan (旅館), a traditional japanese bed and breakfast that jpo had booked as a very sweet belated birthday gift. our huge compound featured two rooms with tatami mats surrounded by an enclosed porch and washi sliding rice-paper doors. after a several course japanese meal we indulged in the hot communal (tho gender-separate) baths and i exposed my inner yankee tourist self by requesting a photo of me in an incorrectly sported yukata (浴衣 or casual kimono). all said it was a delightful two days outside tokyo.
more kyoto photos here.

forbidden keyword: lesbians!

2006-11-22T14:42:00.000-08:00

censorship is funny. i just tried to load my weblog and a security warning announced that my page had been blocked due to "keyword: fuckey." the last time i was surfing the net at glorious hong kong international airports free internet kiosks a homo dating site was blocked thanks to "forbidden keyword: lesbians!" i love china.

i think this is my 12th time here over the past 3 months since most of my flights are routed through hkia... even seoul to tokyo. hkia is my vacation home. ive become a huge fan thanks to the remarkable layout, yummy food, free semi-private sleeping chaises and complimentary internet... i love it when first class lounge amenities trickle down to the masses.

ive got 5 mins before cx500 will take me to my final destination: nihons! for a few days this halfie hangook freedom fighter will run amok deep in the belly of the nippon enemy before returning to the home of the free and the brave, where i will be immediately detained by homeland security thanks to the prominent placement of my pakistani visa.

holding my liquor

2006-11-19T19:33:00.000-08:00

im my grandmothers favorite grandson because of our shared love for liquor. for a woman who cant speak much english, she says 'johnnie walker no rocks" just fine. koreans are drinkers and one must only stroll seouls sidewalks after dark to see salarymen limp in each others arms, or bouncing off the buildings before vomiting or peeing on a nearby tree. yesterday i saw a man near the gyodae subway station talking to a bush.

a couple of nights ago i met josh, a quirky and sincere kyopo (korean american) guy. over boolgogi and beer, he interviewed me about my days at mavin while i peppered him with questions about what it was like to move to korea and become dang near fluent in our mothers tongue. through him i also learned that i could rent a 40 sq ft 'apartment' in a decent area of town for as little as $350/mo, which includes utilities, internet, a shared bathroom and enough floor space for a single bed and dorm-style dresser.

hongdae

yesterday josh invited me to join him and his friends for a night on the town. we started by downing 2 bottles of wine at a sleek, modern wine bar. despite their cruel tests of my shoddy korean, it was fun to be among these very cute and hospitable guys. joshs friend jimmy had impeccable english that was perfected while studying at nycs parsons. his handsome boyfriend had only halting english and a reputation for undiagnosed narcolepsy. their mutual friend was a cute and quiet youngster who lived in the hip apgujeong neighborhood just east of my cousins place. it was fun to watch the three of them interact with josh. they made very korean judgmental expressions and constantly teased his korean. when we left jimmy touched a pimple on joshs face and asked in a deadpan, 'what is that?' i love my people.

drunk (but lovely) korean boys

after wine we drove to bar bliss on itaewons 'homo hill'. most of seouls 100 gay bars/clubs are near here, and despite itaewons reputation as seouls international sleeze district the bar was nice. we joined a few more friends who were seated in comfy chairs set around three cocktail tables. in short order a large bottle of absolut and two carafes of juice arrived. the games began. i was initially confused why we were playing a game called 'the grape' (po-do). it turned out its called 'the wave' (pa-do). like the activity first popularized in u.s. stadiums, u drink, then the guy next to you downs his glass and so on in rapid succession. not a vodka lover, i was relieved when 4 rounds emptied our bottle. i was horrified when it was immediately replaced. i admit that their praises and admonishments held great sway. when i kept up they slapped my back and cited my koreanness. when i groaned they said yankee go home. cultural peer pressure is the worst. with the fourth bottle in play and strange and sadistic games underway i had to get out before i, too, would start talking to trees.

i have no idea.

a couple of us snuck out of the bar and walked down the alley to a sunken club filled with smoke, red light, latino gogo boys and really drunk korean homos. after a short while i was instantly sobered up when a guys cigarette burned my arm. i returned to the bar and saw, with great horror, that the games continued tho jimmys boyfriend was fast asleep. shortly thereafter our posse left the bar and after several minutes waiting in the bitterly cold wee morning hours, we left. koreas the only place i know where its customary for drunks to call a number that sends you a guy who drives you home in your own car, hops out and then hitchhikes home. a better alternative to drunk driving or abandoning your vehicle, no? thanks to josh and his buddies, i had fun and it helped make seoul a bit more three dimensional.
more 2006 korea photos here.
more 2005 korea photos here.

looking local

2006-11-13T22:50:00.000-08:00

guess what? im back in bangkok for a hot minute ;)

another airport goodbye

prior to leaving the states if you had asked me to predict the country where my face would most fit in i would have quickly said thailand. yet now that im here, even sporting a very local yellow polo shirt professing my love for their king i aint foolin many. it was viet nam where i was most often assumed to be a local with singapore a distant second. in malaysia i was chinese (except for that strange 'papi' incident in penang), and in taipei and bali i was japanese. previous experiences have told me that koreans cant fathom im one of their own. despite the diversity of facial features and skin tones among thais, one of my friends friends made the perennially shocking contention that i looked white.

being korean and white but never perceived as both is sometimes fun, frustrating, and always familiar. its also typical that no two people see the same ingredients in my racial recipe, yet are incredulous at the prospect of anyone seeing something different. the reality is that what people see in my face says much more about their experiences than what i look like.

growing up without a consistent racial team has made me assume there are many membership privileges to those whose faces fit. in my attempts to taste the sweet nectar of inclusion i am a keen observer of cultural nuance and a talented mimic. i enjoy peoples reactions of surprise and pleasure when i say or do something they expect only from one of their own, but 28 years attached to this face ultimately has me finding an identity centered around not fitting in. im totally ok with that.
more bangkok photos here

content with whats next

2006-11-12T16:19:00.000-08:00

its a crisp and stunning day in seoul. expansive, virtually smogless blue skies reveal rolling peaks clad in autumn colors. two concentric rings of mountains embrace much of what is one of the worlds largest cities (ranked anywhere from 1st to 10th depending on the source). the name 'seoul' comes from seorabeol ( 서라벌 ), an ancient word meaning 'capital', which it has been since 1394.

the view from gangnam

ive been here 4 times. i first came at age 10 for the olympics. after a 17-year hiatus, ive been back 3 times since last november. seoul feels very comfortable for some reason. given my virtually non-existent korean, that comfort is probably more about how foreign everywhere else has felt over the past several weeks than my familiarity with the place. this time around im less compelled to sightsee, preferring to hang out, stroll around gangnam, or eat yummy frozen yogurt with chopped fruit at red mango. two notable exceptions have been walking along cheonggyecheon ( 청계천 ) and visiting the insadong ( 인사동 ) neighborhood.

urban renewal

cheonggyecheon
covered by concrete and a highway for nearly 50 years, an extinct stream was restored in 2003 thanks to $1 billion and the creativity of seouls former mayor, lee myung-bak. as one of this ambitious citys very few (but growing) green spaces, the 5.8 km stretch of cheonggyecheon is flanked by sunken walkways, creating a sense of natural serenity by obstructing the frenetic city above. among the 90,000 people who visit this world-reknown urban renewal project daily are the ubiquitous groups of ahjummas sporting bright pink warmup suits and exaggerated sun visors.

ssamzie complex courtyard

insadong
this historic and artsy neighborhood extends past tapgol park in seouls gwanghwamun district. traditional restaurants and shops along small narrow alleys mix with over 50 galleries featuring provocative modern art. i was especially taken by the new multi-storied ssamzie complex. sporting an andy warhol theme, ssamzie obliterated my japanese pop art envy and reminded me how art makes me feel and that special moment back in the vancouver book store when i realized that whatevers next must be arts-related.

i enjoy seoul more each time im here. no doubt ill be back soon, maybe the next time ill call it home.
more 2006 korea photos here.
more 2005 korea photos here.

celebrating 90 years

2006-11-11T14:36:00.000-08:00

sibling resentments and fears of inconvenience made my family frustratingly unenthused about taking their matriarch somewhere special for her 90th birthday. various reasons nixed tokyo and jeju-do plans. thankfully, in the end 17 of us spanning four generations took her on a (karaoke) norae-bus from daegu to busan. whaddya know we actually enjoyed ourselves. there and back my moms friend instituted a 'sing or else' directive. i did sinatra and greenday.

4 generations

once in beautiful busan we took a coupla hour cruise along the coast and enjoyed a yummy korean-style sashimi lunch. afterwards we stopped at beomoesa ( 범어사 ), a buddhist temple built in 678 (rebuilt in 1592 after japanese invasion and in 1613 after a fire). at its height it was much larger and housed over 1000 monks. it was one of the most impressive ancient korean sites that ive seen.

most importantly my grandmother - who raised 8 children alone through a civil war - had a ball. happy birthday halmuhnee!
more 2006 korea photos here.
more 2005 korea photos here.

home sweet good enough home

2006-11-09T19:33:00.000-08:00

10 weeks after leaving the states i find myself thrilled at the familiar environs of seoul. after straddling the equator for so long, koreas crisp autumn chill feels wonderful and the seasonal change is making me nostalgic. i dont know if its because im desperate for somewhere to feel like home, but my krazy cousin jeonghyes spacious flat high up in fancy gangnam-dong sure conjures up warm fuzzy sentiment. after a coupla lazy days ive decided to take a looksie at future housing options here.
more 2006 korea photos here.
more 2005 korea photos here.

lazy, not dead

2006-11-06T14:24:00.000-08:00

no, bowel trouble in hong kong didnt render me shriveled and prostrate this whole time. ive just been very bad about updates. never fear, ive been snapping photos like a madman and will have ruminations and visuals from nation party in phuket, sex shows in bangkok, birthday party in cambodia and hiding my homosexuality in pakistan shortly. after spending most of yesterday in the comfy confines of the pearl continental hotels business suite (theres no such thing as high speed interent elsewhere), ive got 4 flights today and then ill be in the territory of koko fam and the worlds fastest internet connx. cant wait.

3 encounters with fear

2006-11-06T07:22:00.000-08:00

nafees
i wandered a few blocks down a dusty road until my path was blocked by an impassable jam of cars, tuktuks, mopeds, humans and animals. i thought the scene might make for a good snapshot. as i pulled out my camera a young man told me to put it away, lest it attract theives. immediately i tried to decode his scam while accepting his extended hand and warm smile. he introduced himself as nafees and asked me where i was from and where i was going. i told him i was american and looking for some lunch. he led me to an open air restaurant of sorts where a bare hand placed yellow rice, chapati and tasty lentil curry onto my plate. i was happy to sit and eat despite assuming that a sales pitch was about to begin. looking up from my food nafees was beaming and proceded to say that he loved meeting foreigners, that he was the youngest of four sons, that his family was poor but he did not seek my charity. finally, he levied his one request: could i please mail him a postcard from the states? most of the other travellers who had made similar commitments had not delivered. i said i would. after lunch i accepted his invitation to visit his familys store. the 'store' was just one very old copy machine in a concrete room not larger than 10 square feet. nafees introduced me to his father, mohammed, whose smile told me that i was simply the most recent of nafees' many guests. he offered me tea, a common pakistani gesture of hospitality, which i should have accepted but i was eager to go as i still didnt fully trust nafees or my softening skepticism. as i left mohammed gave me a small slip of photocopied paper bearing his address. it saddened me that my impulse was to fear and distrust him. as i said thank you and waved goodbye, nafees asked me if i could return tomorrow. i said i would try. i wish i had.

the hash smoker
it was approaching midnight and i am at the foot of a small building in the tomb of sufi saint baba shah jamal. i am packed shoulder to shoulder, folded knees to knees, among a handful of foreigners and hundreds of pakistani men who mostly represent lahores poor and uneducated. my knees, in fact, are pressed against two menacing looking guys who entertain themselves by trying to communicate with us in between rolling hash cigarettes. for the five of us in closest proximity, they engage us one by one, saying a word or two in english but several more in urdu and waiting for our reaction. they inevitably laugh at us. their unnerving teasing is no doubt encouraged by our confused nods and smiles. they like the french guy. the japanese guy is silent but smiles. i admit hes charismatic and certainly gets points for his gorgeous shalwar kameez. if they like you they pass a blunt for you to toke. i know my time is coming and im reminded that im not versed in the safe words/behaviors of seasoned travlers. the main guy turns to me. hes suspicious. im not as quick to smile and he can sense my discomfort, which he might interpret as arrogance. despite being here, probably the most culturally unfamiliar and uncomfortable place ive ever been, this scenario feels familiar. i realize that i have often felt this kind of energy from men. he asks me where im from. i say america. he asks me if im a muslim. i say no. his contempt builds. he asks if im a christian. i pause and say not really. his face shows his disgust and im genuinely afraid. the french guy advises me that i should have said yes. i know he means its better to worship jesus (one of islams many prophets) than no god at all.

the moderate
on my flight from lahore to karachi i sat next to a 30-something skinny guy who lived in london for a bit but left because of the discrimination he experienced. after opening with pleasantries our conversation zeroed in on the holy land. we agreed that large swaths on both sides of the palestinian-israeli conflict are uninterested in peace since many hold an unwavering belief that their god gave the holy land to them. yielding even a pebble to the heathen would be to doubt gods promise. unfortunately, two groups who hate each other but operate from a similar mindset just wont work. if jews and muslims battle it out and kill every last one of each other, thats horrible. but what about the billions of us on the periphery who seek a political compromise that delays armageddon, if just for a bit? contemporary weapons suggest were outta luck. this is a silly point to the devout since all non-believers go to hell anyway. add to this sorry mix americas evangelical extremists, who have their own apocalyptic/millenialist traditions. leave it to americas religious wackos to help bring on the contemporary crusades whose carnage will leave but a few true believers wading through an ocean of human blood on their way to heaven to have lots of sex with lots of virgins, make jesus giggle, whatever. honestly, if youre psyched about the apocalypse and consequently do your part to bring it on (from driving like a bitch to planting bombs), i think government should protect me from you. no wonder henry viii burnt millenialists to the stake and chinas government church outlaws apocalytic themes. whats the alternative? people of questionable virtue and intelligence should not be able to use 'because god said so' to administer a nation. our founding fathers (very religious dudes, btw) tried a less extreme approach so that church and state would not mingle. their attempts to separate have failed.

back to airplane dude. this self-described moderate admits that much like the naughty muslim women on our flight who arent wearing the veil, he, too, will not enter heaven because he doesnt rise early enough each morning for prayers. now i doubt his sincerity. if he really believed everything he told me and trusted that waking up an hour earlier meant the difference between heaven and hell, home dude would set his alarm. so beyond those especially wacky... the wackiest of the wacky, are most religious people skeptical about the wisdom of bringing on the apocalypse? lets hope so.
more lahore photos here.

dining with pakistani cowboys

2006-11-05T10:05:00.000-08:00

day two got underway just after 9 but we spent the first couple of hours trying to find me a new hotel. i was grateful that ali talked with the proprietors, thus saving me from the inflated tourist rate. eventually we found a comparably-priced place that, given my previous abode, felt like the shangri-la.

an alley in the old city

our next stop was lahores old city, a sprawling maze of fragrant narrow alleys lined with tiny shops selling everything from live fowl to plastic junk from china. looking up i saw two large falcon cages six stories high. despite the lure of the foodstalls, it didnt seem like the safest place for a foreigner to grab a bite. garbage was everywhere and either side of pathways were 8-inch-wide open-air sewer ditches filled with parasites aplenty, im sure. this part of old lahore, punctuated with spectacular architecture painted in bright pink and turquoise, has teemed for one thousand years. according to ali, wealthy lahoreites who once lived here had long since shunned this part of the city. getting lost is inevitable so it was a relief to just proceed with abandon until a couple of hours later, ali took stock of where we were and negotiated a tuktuk back to his car.

men and boys at the wagah border

from the old city we headed to the badshahi mosque. completed in 1674 by the mughals, it is one of the worlds largest with a capacity of 200,000 people. it felt strange to walk barefoot in such an enormous place. despite being a sacred space i felt no reproof from the scores of women in colorful dress who loitered about in the open air plaza with their kids.

badshahi mosque

i had read that the nearby pakistan-india border closing featured a daily show that was not to be missed. driving east towards wagah on potholed roads the incredibly thick dust clouds made the always eerie border town feel even more weird. once there we parked amidst scores of wildly festooned buses that put mtvs 'pimp my ride' to shame. since we were late we waited shoulder to shoulder with scores of men and boys outside the gate. once again the young boys found me interesting and i weighed my desire to engage with them with my desire to keep my new camera. the former won out so i showed my growing brood short video clips from thailand. while ali looked on uncomfortably the boys cheered 'beautiful!'

pimping rides pakistani style

after some shoving and yelling by four soldiers, a few of us were allowed to pass. ali and i rushed the 100 yards to the border ceremony. as each countrys most fit and handsome soldiers tried to out-kick, out-snort and out-pomp the other, the pakistani crowd cheered 'pakistan zind abad!' (long live pakistan!) while the indians hollered back their own nationalist cheer. for two supposed arch enemies, both sides seemed to be having a lot of fun.

gunsmoke

by the time we were back in lahore we were both hungry and tired. all weekend ali had insisted on paying for everything. i told him that it was korean custom for the guest to bring gifts, and since i came empty handed he had to let me take him to a nice dinner. after considerable prodding he relented and chose a hilarious spot in an upscale neighborhood. 'gunsmoke,' which advertises having 'the best chargrilled burgers and steaks south of the border,' (which border? tajikistan?) was built to resemble a wild west saloon whose handsome pakistani cowboys regularly pass by and 'rudely' cast your ashtray of peanut shells onto the floor. whoa.

lahore is an amazing place, but id say that ali and my conversations have been another highlight. the topics range wildly, from the ways young pakistani men 'flirt' with girls (by randomly dialing phone numbers hoping a nice girl picks up to writing their numbers on pieces of paper that they toss to girls riding in passing cars) to the us war on terror. inevitably, at times we catch each other making generalizations about each others nations.

inside the old city

its clear that what ali wants most is for me to leave understanding that pakistan (like everywhere else) is multi-layered. on my end, it saddens me when the friendly lahoreites exuberance fades when i tell them that im american. since disclosing this hasnt threatened my safety i feel an obligation to be honest and i hope to be one more example of an american who shares their disappointment with many of my nations policies. yes, the pervasive poverty and lack of education breeds radicals and terrorists here, but most pakistanis (like everyone else) are kind people who want to be happy.

homes outside the lahore fort

ali talks a lot about terrorism. yesterday, while we were at the fort he pointed to an unremarkable brick building in a poor neighborhood. alerting me to some speakers set on its roof he said it was yet another makeshift mosque in a nation addicted to raising mosques. it seemed comical to me since the huge badshahi mosque was around the corner, but ali got riled up describing how these mosques were typically run by self-appointed, third-rate mullahs who fueled radical and violent activity among their poor and uneducated faithful, thus breeding terrorists that ravage pakistan as well as the west.

damn straight.

its ironic that its the uneducated and impoverished teenage boys that are the demographic for terrorist recruiting, especially since they are the ones who have made the most effort to engage with me via their toothy smiles or by shouting 'hello, how are you?' as they pass on their bicycles. what ive experienced from them is only curiosity, kindness and warmth, even when i can see them politely hiding their disappointment that im american. my experiences here suggest that it takes a lot to antagonize these people. for the most part, if we do we should consider how our compounded actions have conspired against us.
more lahore photos here.

in the mughals garden

2006-11-04T07:50:00.000-08:00

the bloody partition of india into predominately muslim and hindu nations also split the fertile region of punjab into pakistani and indian parts. today punjab province boasts over half of pakistans 132 million people with lahore as its cultural, intellectual, artistic and municipal capital.

lahore street

tho the first reliable remarks about lahore were documented by chinese traveller hsuan tsang in 630 ad, legend goes that lahore was named after king lav, the son of the hindu god rama. this cradle of civilization has been home to many peoples, 'starting' with the indus and aryans (whose vedic religion formed the basis for hinduism), alexander the great (whose soldiers legacy is supposedly reflected in the kalash peoples light hair, fair skin and blue eyes), and the bactrians and mauryas (who settled and promoted buddhism). in 711 mohammad bin qasim introduced islam to the heart of the subcontinent. more recent history saw lahore in the hands of the flamboyant mughals during the 16th and 17th centuries, followed by british colonial rule and finally partition and independence by 1947.

lahore fort (shahi qila)

ali and i connected around 11 and started our 2-day grand tour. by now im familiar with crazy and dangerous driving conditions so lahores traffic madness wasnt especially remarkable. actually, after having navigated most cities on foot, bike or moped, i felt downright invincible inside a car driven by a local. ali suggested that we first visit the impressive lahore fort (shahi qila), which had been built, destroyed and rebuilt for centuries before it took its current form by emperor akbar in 1566.

inside the lahore fort (shahi qila)

the massive complex was fairly rundown, but sporadic restoration work was underway on some of the most spectacular sections and it was still impressive to see what faint frescoes and tile work remained despite centuries of exposure. my favorite section was a large hall whose walls and ceilings were once completely adorned with small mirrors. i can only imagine how brilliant it was when illuminated by candles or torch during the night. one side entrances wide, gentle incline was built to accommodate elephants - yet another indication of a different time and place.

white and gold gurdwara of arjan dev

near the forts grand entry is the gurdwara of arjan dev, a special temple for sikhisms 5th guru and an important pilgrimage site for mostly indian sikhs. we didnt enter the temple as busses from india were ushering through loads of devout pilgrims for what was an important sikh holiday. ali pointed to the busses and the preservation of the sikh gurdwara as important goodwill gestures by the pakistani government towards its indian rival.

i was hungry and since infidels like me cant access the giant mosque during prayers, we grabbed lunch. along the way ali chuckled at a sign congratulating north korea on its recent nuclear missile test. pakistan,

lahore museum

whose nuclear program has been called 'the islamic bomb' by the islamophobic west, knows nuclear pariah status well. shortly after we reached the lahore museum, an impressive red brick structure built by the brits that includes one of the worlds finest collections of gandhara and mughal art. inside we enjoyed several exhibits displaying early hindu and buddhist art, beautiful small paintings depicting glamorous mughal life and elaborate weaponry. i especially enjoyed the distinctive ancient shoes and intricate and colorful textiles from pakistans rugged northern areas.

shalimar garden

we ended the day at shalimar gardens where ali was surprised and upset by the parks 800% price gouge targeting foreign visitors (tho it was still only a couple bucks). he felt this fee discrepancy contradicted the muslim tenet of hospitality. although run down today, at its peak i bet the gardens could rival the hanging gardens of babylon! the massive park was enclosed by high walls and featured a series of three huge terraces that were decorated with elaborate formal ponds and dormant fountains. a popular venue for handsomely dressed families, i noticed that most of the children had what looked like black eye liner surrounding their eyes. when i asked ali about their 'makeup' he said it was due to malnutrition. the park also drew small groups of teenage boys who found me an endlessly curious anomaly. while trying to photograph the sun setting behind a garden wall, a couple of them entered my frame. thinking they were the subject of some chinese tourists snapshot one of them snapped his own momento of me via his camera phone. why not? i was the more exotic sight. when i asked ali about the conspicuous absence of young girls to complement the gaggles of boys, his explanation was nonsensical. sure, pakistan is a relatively conservative, muslim nation that frowns on pre-marital co-mingling of the sexes, but i wondered if his evasiveness was rooted in his desire to avoid reinforcing common stereotypes. it reminded me of similar conversations with my mormon friend and made me think about how people respond once theyre weary of being perceived as fringe wackos.

no doubt lahore is the most uncomfortable and unfamiliar place ive been so far. i feel culturally illiterate, phenotypically conspicuous and politically vulnerable here. but thank gawd for it all.
more lahore photos here.

privileged access

2006-11-03T13:33:00.000-08:00

post-nap i tried calling ali, my couchsurfing.com contact. after listening to urdu recordings presumably telling me what i was doing wrong on my awfully expensive gsm world phone, we connected. on his way to work ali stopped by to welcome me to lahore. a young IT whiz who was raised in an affluent family and schooled by jesuits, he was calm, good humored and had impeccable english. lucky for me, hes also taking tomorrow off so he can take me to sights unseen since his boyhood. im especially grateful to have a local host this time around.

regale inn proprieter, malik shams
photo by swati maheshwariof

when ali left i decided to take a walk. given most peoples modest, loose-fitting garb, i retired my homo-tight jeans and shirts in favor of looser corduroy slacks and a collared shirt. walking along the main drag in clothing that left more to the imagination, i tried not to injest the thick clouds of vehicle exhaust that languished in the air. to this end i purchased two hankerchiefs and moistened them before placing them over my nose and mouth. after a few minutes i found lahores only backpacker hostel. for the first time on my trip i wanted to be among other travellers, rather than locals. but as i passed them on the stairs and lingered awkwardly amongst them in the cramped 'lobby' that doubled as the office, it was obvious that my garb and demeanor werent fluent in their ways. in their presence i felt uptight, anti-social, and too concerned with technical details. clearly these backpackers were legit, ernest practioners of the vagabond lifestyle.

despite the gulf between us, lonely planet devotes an entire praising page to the regales proprieter, malik karammat shams. i was eager to meet him and inquire about the activities that i had read so much about. malik supported struggling musicians during his days as a journalist and now they thank him by allowing foreigners privileged access to sacred spaces. every thursday he takes guests to special venues without charge. even tho i wasnt staying at the hostel he kindly told me to come back at 2 pm.

4 horses

a coupla hours later 12 of us boarded 4 tuktuks. i sat with two young women, a friendly kiwi who had been in pakistan for the past 3 months and a korean who had made her way here (solo) from cairo. even in their modest hijab the three of us attracted considerable attention along our drive. 15 minutes later we arrived at the shrine of data ganj bakhsh hajveri, a large complex flanked by two towering minarets resembling spears. we left our shoes at the entrance and walked down stairs into a cool, large basement. malik led us to the front of the many rows of men who gathered each thursday to watch qawwali ( قوٌالی ) (islamic devotional singing).

qawwali performers
photo by swati maheshwariof

for the next coupla hours, we saw several qawwali troupes perform. each of them had 1-3 primary singers, as well as drummers and someone playing what appeared to function like an accordion. during the performances, men in the audience would take turns flattering each other by placing gaudy flower leis over the heads of distinguished arrivals. these men would kiss the lei and keep it only briefly before bestowing it upon someone else. audience members were encouraged to hand 10 rupee notes to a man who circled the crowd gathering tips for the performers. men with more to spend would approach the stage and shower rupees onto other mens bowed heads in a show of goodwill. another man misted us of sweet-smelling rose water while handfulls of very sticky, sweet candy were passed around. by the second hour the most impressive groups performance inspired some in the audience to shake their heads vigorously as they succumbed to a trance-like state.

taken by the moment
photo by swati maheshwariof

at 9 pm i returned to regale for part 2: whats been called 'sufi night'. sufism is islamic mysticism especially popular among the poor. thinking they are too sinful to contact god directly, practioners communicate with god through saints, or sufis. this can be done thru ecstatic and transcendent dance. although sufism can be found throughout the islamic world, many conservatives disdain the pervasive hash smoking and say its focus on saints is un-islamic. but for several centuries, reknown dhol (drum) players have performed at the tomb of sufi saint baba shah jamal every thursday. again, thanks to maliks kindness and network, we were granted unusual access to pakistani culture.

dhol artist, pappu sain
photo by yasuo osakabe

we climbed a crumbling staircase to a small foyer that was surrounded by modest buildings and covered by a low canopy of trees. hundreds of pakistani men sat on the ground cramped together. for several hours they sat and chat. many of them rolled and smoked hash blunts while others puffed from what resembled an industrial size houka. after some initial performances, pappu sain, a massive, bearded man who is among the most esteemed traditional dhol ( ڈھول ) players in the world, slung his drum over his shoulder and began producing a hypnotic beat. in short order some of the men in the audience nodded their heads to the rhythm - first slowly and then furiously - and, seemingly spellbound, men would stand and gravitate towards pappu sain. one young boy (maybe 10?) accompanied the drumming with a haunting song made more so given what felt like a very adult environment. this boy wielded surprising authority, choosing which revelers could approach pappu sain and roughly shoving away those that could not. the hours of hypnotic beats, the singing, the hundreds of tightly packed bodies and the hash smoke created a spiritual and other-worldly space.
more lahore photos here.

pakistan: the inauspicious start

2006-11-02T23:02:00.000-08:00

to be fair i did little to encourage positive first impressions of pakistan. i took media reports of radical islam and department of state travel advisories to heart. i sandwiched my week on the subcontinent between the playground of bangkok and the home ground of seoul. 'anywhere but here' seemed like a probable reaction as i arrived in karachi after midnight. my environs were made all the more weird since i appeared to be the only non-pakistani on the plane.

i made my way out of immigration and customs mumbling asalaam aleikums and shukriyas to polite security personnel. at the domestic departures gate i discovered that my e-tickets to lahore had been mysteriously cancelled. what followed was a first hand account of how pakistanis mob ticket windows in lieu of forming an orderly queue. with 6 hours until my flight, i wasnt in a hurry so i took my bags to a gaggle of chairs filled with tired men dressed in khaki-colored shalwar kameez (tunic/trouser combos) and women sleeping prostrate atop cardboard dressed in colorful hijab. i felt incredibly conspicuous as this half-korean american dude slumped over his trekker-style backpack outisde the karachi airport in the wee hours of the morning. as folks stared it felt dumb to pretend that i wasnt the elephant in the room and doing so made me feel less safe so i made eye contact, unashamedly read my lonely planet and listened to my ipod. as the cricket game played on the small tv to my left, i stole brief bits of slobbery sleep.

after an unremarkable flight to lahore i wasnt eager to negotiate third world taxi scams. nevertheless two guys claiming to be brothers took me aboard as i gauged what was worse, their sour smelling pits or choking on the yellow smog outside. our first stop was a fully booked hostel recommended by lonely planet. after a long trip, hearing that your intended bed is unavailable is unwelcome news. back in the taxi stop #2 was anxiously off the beaten track. the proprietor (clearly in kahoots) quoted me 5000 rupees (usd85) per night straight faced, despite the fact there was a man sleeping on 'my' bed and the hostel was usd7. as i politely declined i wondered about my fate. i ventured to the third stop with my drivers licking their chops and my negotiating power nearly eliminated. these men that were once brothers started getting nasty. now at code orange i insisted they take me to the guide book-endorsed indus hotel. despite resembling a bombed ruin with ubiquitous rubble and a second floor that was only exposed mud and cinderblock, at this point i was relieved to escape their shifty company. as i exited they demanded tips- one for each of them. i declined, almost eager for an excuse to become violent.

my room was filthy. curiously, the bathrooms three water contraptions operated simultaneously. not that there were soap or towels anyway, but if you turned on the sink the shower would spray the floor and the toilet would enthusiastically flush. clearly fatigue was exacerbating my cranky mood. even the commotion of busy lahore and doves coo-ing outside my window couldnt keep me upright. i looked at the adventure that was my bed, removed the top blanket, inspected what looked like reasonably clean sheets, and napped still wearing what i hoped were cootie-blocking jeans and socks. at some point during my nap a pigeon hopped in, pecked open my bag of chips, and left, unbeknownst to me. after my nap i purchased a phone card from an angry knowitall vendor whose intelligence didnt include knowing that the card and my phone were incompatible. he refused a refund. back in my shoddy diggs and feeling sorry for myself i scoured my travel docs for a list of cathay pacific flights back to bangkok. no doubt it was an inauspicious start to my time on the subcontinent.
more lahore photos here.

sampling bangkok glam

2006-10-30T22:56:00.000-08:00

a fat and tired baby pants rested his cheek on the cold kitchen floor. the chill conspired with pressure from an ear infection to make half of his face collapse. mommy didnt take photos of her paralyzed cripple-chile for a few months. surgery helped, but all future photos featured a lopsided, half-toothy, half-squinting smile. years later he would dread school photo day and felt bad ruining high school dance portraits.

having my photo taken has always caused anxiety. ironically a big part of my last job was doing interviews and photoshoots. tho my deformed mug has moderated over the years my grin remains crooked. to avoid my funky snarl i created a media beam a few years back. 1) smile naturally, then 2) lower the right side of my lower lip. ive been told that my natural smile resembles a mischievious smirk. some have found it unnerving, commenting that it seems like im making fun of them. not coincidentally my personality is also sarcastic, mischievious and joking. while my deformity is endearing to some, its not great material for the camera.

but im vain and because its silly, flattering and unlikely to ever happen again, i responded to a request from khun o'sira kulsrethsiri (thailands self-described best makeup artist and style specialist) who saw my fridae profile and wanted me to visit his model story studio while i was in bangkok. it was a humbling rather than glamorous experience. no matter how hard they tried, the carnage from my viet haircut wasnt cute. makeup concentrated on concealing my hyper pigmentation and pimples. the photographer instructed me to reveal only my right side and to suck in my stomach while i projected a manually altered smile. after i left my snapshots would undergo the added disgrace of prodigious photoshop retouching, all done to make me palatable to this cruel cruel beautiful world. my consolation prize was being told not to worry since some shoots werent looking for beautiful faces but guys with a 'normal look.' thanks! luckily my dream is to be an uncute model.

a couple of days later my buddy khunakorn invited me to the opening of bangkok fashion week. tho somewhat fabulous the event felt second or third tier. but i got to see real models work the walk with next top model ambition. the pageantry! the superfluous pomp! among the gals was one full-asian, a few mixed breeds but the majority were damn-near-albino white. thailand definitely prefers caucasian nobodys in lieu of local lookers. sigh. if only i was full-white. then my life would be perfect. not really. anyhow, i got my snapshot of bangkok glam. it was short term fun, but ive had my fill.
more bangkok photos here.

stunning angkor

2006-10-27T17:38:00.000-07:00

the fiasco of just getting here made me curious about what lodging alice had arranged for me. fortunately the green garden hotel was clean and secure. an added bonus was the former ownder, a cynical old aussie expat who still lived there and typically lounged on its front veranda. his helpful tips on navigating siem reap were often punctuated by racist quips about the locals. that said, he also connected me with sakhorn, an honest and english-proficient tuktuk driver who could be my angkor guide.

angkor wat (via google earth)

over the next two days i spent many hours viewing over a dozen magnificent, humbling and haunting temples under a hot cambodian sun. the first king of the angkorian era was jayavarman ii, who returned from java in 790 to subdue competing states and declare a unified 'kambuja'. temple building became a defining mark of the angkorian kings. over 1000 temples were built during the khmer empire, which ruled much of southeast asia until the 15th century, when repeated invasions by the thai moved the capital from angkor to phnom penh. at its peak this 'holy city' had over 1 million residents, yet it was largely unknown to outsiders until henri mouhot re-'discovered' angkor wat in 1860. today, the vast angkor archaeological park hosts a million visitors annually.

highlights:

the haunting faces of bayon

angkor thom and bayon
angkor thom was built starting in the late 12th century by jayavarman vii. this 3 square kilometer walled and moated royal city was the last capital of the angkorian empire, built in an uprecendented campaign of temple construction after angkor was reclaimed after a brief control by the cham (from present-day viet nam). the huge complex is accessed through five gates to the city. the citys greatest temple is bayon, whose 37 towers feature four carved faces that point north, south, east and west. its thought these smiling chubby visages represented a combination of buddha and jayavarman vii, bayons patron. in addition to its serene and somewhat spooky faces, the bas-reliefs depicting the historical sea battle between the khmer and cham that decorates bayons south wall are remarkable.

banteay sreys pink sandstone

banteay srey
a good 38 km from siem reap and most of the other angkor temples is banteay srey, which was built in the late 10th century by king rajendravarman. this hindu-dedicated temple is loosely translated as 'citadel of the women,' but sakhorn and others usually just call it 'the lady temple'. unique in that it was built of a beautiful pink sandstone covered in intricate carvings, this temple reflects some of the finest examples of classical khmer art. on the lengthy drive there i enjoyed getting to seeing more of cambodian life, like small grade school kids in smart uniforms riding on bicycles more suitable for grown men and water buffalo foraging near modest stilted homes built above flooded rice paddies.

1866 photo of angkor wat by emile gsell

angkor wat
constructed in the 12th century by suryavarman ii at the height of khmer military and political dominance over southeast asia, angkor wat is a breathtaking testament to khmer greatness. this massive three-tiered structure is crowned by a quincunx of beehive-like towers that rise 65 meters. dedicated to the hindu god vishnu, angkor wat is surrounded by a wide moat and wall measuring 1300 x 1500 meters. nearly 2000 apsara carvings depict stories from hindu mythology. bas-reliefs running counterclockwise around the temples first tier depict the mythological battle of kuru, suryavarman iis march against the cham, scenes from heaven and hell and the 'churning of the ocean milk' scene on the north wall. at the heart of this massive religious monument (said to be the worlds largest) is a modest buddhist shrine thats been tended continually since the angkorian era. i visited angkor wat shortly after sunrise and the temple was largely (and eerily) absent of other spelunkers, which made exploring its walls and halls all the more haunting. of anywhere ive seen on earth, i wish i could see what angkor was like at its height.
more cambodia photos here.

cambodge impromptu

2006-10-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

given my already pathetic state of mind, the cluelessness of yet another bangkok taxi driver had me ready to write off all thai as sneaky and insincere. clearly it was time to get outta dodge, so yesterday i stopped by the thai tourism office to see about travel packages to chiang mai or angkor wat. once there however, alice told me that prices would go up considerably tomorrow so id better make a decision now. yikes. i took the plunge (or the bait?) but tried to minimize costs by telling alice that my birthday was tomorrow (i dont think it helped) and by taking a 12-hour bus ride there instead of flying both ways. i spent the rest of my day visiting touristy sites, ordering 2 custom-made cashmere suits, 1 tuxedo and 5 shirts (with chicago delivery) for only $800, and perusing loose gems for sissy at the royal lapidary.

alices cake

when i returned this morning to pick up my tickets and itinerary from alice she pulled out a small cake with a orange highlighted post-it reading 'happy birthday to you!' her coworkers started singing happy birthday and i got weepy at their thoughtfulness. after hugs and photos i returned to my hotel and waited 90 mins for the bus, somewhat relieved that i might not have to go on this trip anyway. but a moped finally arrived to take me to the bus station. once aboard, my slight disapointment about leaving bangkok was tempered by the buses cushy, largely empty confines.

cambodian-thai border

six or so hours into our journey the bus stopped near the border for lunch and to get our cambodian visas. from there it was a short ride to the border town of poi pet, a typically spooky, dusty and impoverished place where we were ushered through a series of efficient checkpoints. a woman sitting behind a translucent plastic desk with only a calculator and a stack of cambodian bills exchanged my dollars for riel (i later learned that cambodians prefer dollars). after forty minutes or so we realized this cambodian mans sincerity as he instructed the 16 of us - a hodge podge of americans, germans, french, japanese and brits - to pile into the back of a standard-sized pickup truck (along with our bags) for the 6? 8? 10? hour journey through cambodia to siem reap.

our home for the next 9+ hours

massive flooding for weeks prior made bus traffic impossible. so for 9-ish hours we held on to bits of truck and to each other for a tenuous sense of security as we winced over constant bumps and ruts. we were too tightly packed to move our legs despite cramping and uncomfortable angles. had i been smart i would have purchased a mask in poi pet to create a buffer between my lungs and the clouds of thick dust that covered our bodies in a ruddy brown blanket and made my eyes frighteningly bloodshot.

cambodian puddles

at times our pace was reduced to a crawl as our intrepid driver navigated the most heavily flooded roads. we held our breath and whimpered about our fate replicate the stranded korean tour buses. as we made our way along the cambodian 'highway' each of us marveled at the beauty of the flooded green fields and we waved at children and other convoys that were similarly packed with 20 or more passengers who didnt have the luxury of sitting. on two occasions we stopped and were transferred to another small pickup. at one point between trucks 2 and 3 my newfound friends, upon me mentioning it was my birthday, sang me happy birthday, pausing at my name (since they didnt know it yet). i couldnt think of a better way to usher in my 28th year.

muddy feet

as dusk approached we reached a small town of stranded travellers and opportunistic locals that had popped up where the road was completely washed out. our only option was to get out and wade the 100 ft or so across while our truck was towed across by a tractor. once on the other side of the road and unable to wash off my feet (with thoughts of shistisomiasis running through my head), i pulled my socks over a caked layer of mud before returning them into my shoes. at this point pitch black darkness (no light pollution out here to dull the stars) and sheer exhaustion had us silent and retreating into ourselves. then, just 11 km from siem reap, our driver miscalculated a large hole and our rear wheel detached from the axle. as we waited alongside the road for what was next, we admired the fireflies while fantasizing about being saved by passing trucks. perhaps we were all in a bit of shock, but throughout our journey i admired our groups lack of bitching, despite some pretty ridiculous conditions.

our wheel popped off

half an hour or so passed and we were rescued. i rolled into my hotel around 9 pm and after a sorely needed scrubbing, i met up for some drinks with my new found german buddies. coincidentally an irish guy named matt that i had met in phuket was also in siem reap, so he joined us and we shared stories of our journey with him (hed flown here. bougie, i know!). afterwards matt insisted that we make our way to a dance club wed seen (it was my birthday afterall). i can only say the dancers, the music, the decor... all of it made for a fascinating cambodian clubbing experience. my cambodge impromptu had begun.
more cambodia photos here.

alone or lonesome? part 3: bar dribbles

2006-10-25T01:15:00.000-07:00

obviously the topic of loneliness (to be or not to be) has dominated my thoughts of late. this captivating three-part series ends with a humbling transcript of drunk scribbles (dribbles) penned at a bar stool overlooking the dance floor at bangkoks dj station. not particularly humbling because i chose a crowded dance club for solo introspection but because of the thoughts inspired.

i spent over an hour searching for bangkoks infamous babylon gay sauna. by the time i got there i was dripping sweaty and it was closed. 1 aborted sauna hunt and 2 fuckey shows later im finally smiling. i have so much in common with the fat girl in the corner with the ape-to-man evolution tshirt who is reviewing photos on her digital camera. why am i laughing? am i happy watching old white men lick the necks of beautiful young thai boys? salt and pepper in the black izod. i have that shirt. oh shiz im drinking heineken not singha. i ask the bartender for a pen and she thinks im giving my number to expat gramps. the art is managing to make them interested without eye contact. i want to pretend im from viet nam. furiously scribbling into my notebook in the midst of a crowded gay club do they think im a travel writer? i love it. if there was a guy here who was intrigued by scribes we should wed. maybe i shouldnt go to angkor wat? why do spiritual when i can do carnal?

- end transmission -
more bangkok photos here.

alone or lonesome? part 2: emotional laxitives

2006-10-24T01:06:00.000-07:00

before my departure many people told me that travelling solo for 3 months sounded intimidating. i had welcomed friends and family to join me for short treks but on the whole i wanted to do this alone. i assumed that becoming exhausted by foreign environs would cause terrible bouts of loneliness. i gingerly looked forward to the epiphanies this duress might bring.

this has not occurred. to an absurd degree i am almost always under the care of local hosts who do their best to steer me towards the good food, away from the shoddy diggs, and into the company of more fun and fabulous people. although the ease with which ive befriended folks who were strangers just hours prior is an encouraging sign for global harmony it has also created its own special kind of ironic lonesome.

its been weirdly easy to make authentic connections with fun, smart, friendly and sexy people... but confusing to say goodbye a few hours or days later. warm fuzzy fantasy got thrown out the window when omar jarringly said, 'ill never see you again.' there have been a few lucky exceptions, like reuniting with him and jaime in bali, coincidentally shadowing matt in thailand and cambodia and deliberately booking a 40 hour return to bangkok to see thanpisit encore. but these are unusual and who knows if our paths will cross a third time.

the quality and quantity of people ive met is not normal. the authentic rapport and emotions exchanged are not normal. it is crazy to treat unusual situations in usual ways so if the statistical likelihood of developing our relationship seems unlikely, why not seal the deal now? abandon the tender, generous and trusting for the naughty, dangerous or absurd finale before its too late. give me everything you can give me right now.

at a 'fuckey show' on soi duangthawee a young guy with #25 attached to his briefs keeps asking me if i want to buy him. i decline but find myself drunk in the same seat the next night, disappointed when #8 explains that # two bits already went home with somebody. the tranny pimp offers herself as a consolation prize. i leave puzzled at how close i am to buying another human being. i go to the dance club and learn that when you cant take your favorite prostitute home, you might settle for a money boy who shoves two pills into your mouth he thinks are MDMH but they are laxitives. its a fitting, literal metaphor for how physical contact can make one feel awfully empty yet hungry for more.
more bangkok photos here.

alone or lonesome? part 1: hate the game

2006-10-23T21:14:00.000-07:00

im at an unremarkable noodle shop with shitty service in bangkoks silom area drinking an iced nescafe to perk me up. im not sure if my bad attitude is because of residual low seratonin or that im in a 21st century soddom and gamorrah. either way im starting to question peoples goodness.

as a kid my unrequited wish was to be part of a posse, to roll with my homies. the physical barriers of living on an island while school was on the mainland conspired against me but it was ultimately my unwillingness to forfeit any independence for the sake of the collective that made me a poor candidate for group-think and act.

facts on the ground made me a distrustful independent youth. what was once necessary for self-preservation has me today orchestrating a self-fulfilling prophecy that people will inevitably disappoint and shouldnt be trusted. tho this keeps my circle of friends small and somewhat paranoid, my rigorous screening process also keeps assholes at bay. a big part of my travel prep in chicago was online 'interviews' with folks hailing from my itinerarys pitstops. the result so far has been meetings scores of amazing people. but the fact that my screening stopped short of hong kong is starting to show.

ive been stood up tonight and it dont feel good. i find myself fantasizing less and less plausible explanations that are deteriorating into a shamelessness abyss. a snapshot into the rationale of a scorned pants (i blame the nescafe):

maybe he lost/forgot my number?
maybe his phone isnt working or a less time-sensitive cultural quirk means he will call later?
maybe he didnt get the sms i sent?
maybe i should call/sms myself to see if my phone is working?
maybe hes intimidated and needs me to be more accessible?
maybe i should eschew dating norms and pursue him more aggressively?

as time passes ive (mostly) accepted that ive been played. riveting phase 2 has me exploring possible explanations for my sorry state, switching back and forth between my and his probable shortcomings. highlights include:

did he find my personality unattractive?
is my personality unattractive?
did i offend him?
(as the situation makes me more self-conscious of my physical shortcomings) am i ug-ug?
maybe buddha has intervened to remind me of the need to triumph over desire?
maybe jesus has intervened to help me avoid an asshole of catastrophic proportions? (ie fate)

my pathetic and predictable processing concludes with an alarming diversity of cliches and immaturity spanning from a note to self about obeying the golden rule the next time i feel like blowing someone off to working on bitter one-line zingers in case i see mr. player later.

tho its all unfun theres a disturbing comfort in being disappointed and having my low expectations of human dependability fulfilled. its just the confirmation i need to confirm the wisdom of pragmatic solitude. two possible conclusions (pick one):

alone is good! thank goodness my trips irrational effusiveness about wonderful people and asian hospitality has been moderated by mans too predictable selfish foibles. or...
give folks a chance! this is yet another example of me seeking 'proof' (if not orchestrating sabotage) to confirm that i am right and should remain within my comfortable (tho no longer particularly healthy) behavioral status quo.

its always the battle between the cynic and the optimist, the self-righteous and the willing to adapt and change. the formers are so much easier, no?
more bangkok photos here.

gyrating sinewy torsos

2006-10-22T03:26:00.000-07:00

you might recall that the most compelling reason for reshuffling my itinerary was to accommodate nation vi, the worlds largest asian homo party. having only recently discovered it and being brand new to the asian gay circuit party scene, i was curious what kind of debauchery might ensue. i didnt know what to expect but had high expectations, fantasizing about hordes of slick sweaty sinewy asian torsos gyrating on the dance floor to the worlds best djs until everyone fell horizontal like dominoes into a sea of groping limbs and gasping holes. ew!

sure there was lots of singaporean beefcake and butter faces, pretty thai boys and largely tolerated (but ignored) caucasian trolls on site but it all seemed pretty tame. there were rumors of a small orgy in need of caucasian participants on the 9th floor and plenty of guys with bugged out eyes tripping on e, k, or whatever but for the most part the men were friendly but cliquey and/or married.

looking back, my decision to go to nation solo was peculiar and i imagine it would have been lots more fun with a posse or a mate. even on my own, by the third day i had found some great guys to lounge around the pool with but tho im happy to check it off the list o necessary gay man life expereinces, with *absolutely no nookie whatsoever the entire weekend* i think i kinda missed the point. anyhow, thanks to alex and sam, kay, terrence, matt and troy for taking pity on the novice.

lust in honkers

2006-10-17T09:39:00.000-07:00

im at the point in my trip where nothings been pre-planned so daily events are conducted on the fly. its also become hard for me to remember what happened when or where so i appreciate the absurd or memorable events that make a lasting impression on my noggin.

hong kongs dating scene makes the grade. the other night clarence and i walked into a room full of campy asian and gweilo (typical word used to describe caucasoids. translation: foreign devils) men in suits, many of whom sported prominent red bindis. at the door was a table blanketed by pre-printed plastic nametags. i chose 'freddie' and clarence selected 'nick'. we made a b-line to the booze table, realized we were probably the only sticky guys in a room full of rice and potato queens, and didnt win the raffle. where were we? the monthly installment of 'fruits in suits,' hong kongs social venue for professional gay men.

to grasp the vibe of our peculiar environs, imagine a very small island where every social interaction is a future business prospect. assume that the prevailing style of communication favors a passive aggressive chinese cultural flavor and that the sassy actors are prone to fomenting unnecessary drama. top it off with the yucky power dynamics created by a former british colony that is 95% nonwhite. now you have a decent understanding of what froots in soots and to a larger degree, hong kongs expat gay scene is like.

for more insight into dating in honkers, i scheduled drinks with a local. after eating some good chinese food clarence took me to m-bar and was about to leave when my date showed up. during the usual 'how are you' chitchat between them my mankub sensed sumting gossip-worthy and launched into a relentless inquiry of clarences evening plans. i watched in awe of this spirited sparring match between my date and my host. clarence sufficiently ducked and weaved the dozens of jabs and hooks, disclosing nothing.

despite his voracity, both of us were charmed by this chinese-aussies cute accent, his playful rapid-fire teasing, and his sly habit of folding his arms behind his head to display his nice guns. to thicken the plot, it turns out that months earlier clarence had made advances only to be rebuffed. from what ive seen and heard, hk boys play unsophiticated dating games, and this one was no different. humanoids are a self-involved lot and tho he might actually be interested in my host, me thinks he saw disrupting a date an opportunity to test his own desirability and the effectiveness of his charm at full throttle. but when clarence bid us adieu after three drinks it was clear that the main attraction had left the building.

coming home early to update my weblog and check email didnt make me feel especially desirable. but lo and behold who started sweet-messenging me online despite his early am flight to taipei? clearly home dudes impressive flirting repertoire includes post-diss public relations to deflate any bitterness that might soil his reputation. with this kind of drama, who needs hobbies? (on another note and night, dear chuckles: 2 models down...)

the eagle has landed!

2006-10-16T19:44:00.000-07:00

breaking news! the eagle most definitely landed today as clarences toilet became my home within a home. tho i am now in honkers, a little bit of bali has stayed with me (lets hope its not a parasite). as you might expect, sightseeing wasnt high on my to-do list today. but i had to step out earlier to fetch a set of keys, which had me gingerly making my way down queens road and hennessey clenching and panicking between potty stops. malls and food courts were oases, dense park foliage was good enough, if need be. i popped two immodium with little effect before i found something very special hidden in my mini first aid kit... a vial of expired ciprofloxacin from my costa rica trip. praise jesus and his emissaries! that and several shots of chivas on ice did the trick. the threat level has been downgraded to orange.

(technical) viet nam photos up

2006-10-15T17:30:00.000-07:00

i know ive been naughty. but with a coupla days spent largely indoors, photos from viet nam are finally up. if you would like to view them all without my accompanying quips below, go here. bali is soon to follow.

oh dem bali days

2006-10-14T23:23:00.000-07:00

after three nights in an indulgently large, decently furnished, but filthy room, sugiharto made a few calls and got me the indonesian discount at new diggs. the sprawling grounds included a cat-sized lizard swallowing a large fish it caught from the pond... in the states we call this kind of place a zoo.

it was nice getting off the kuta-seminyak stretch of beach for the past coupla days, thanks (as usual) to the generosity of new friends. sugiharto and i toured balis eastern reaches, stopping first in charming ubuds warung ibu oka (mrs. okas foodstall) for delicious babi guling (reportedly the best in bali). this spicy dish of pork strips over white rice with herbs, spices, crunchy white rice and crispy pig skin (and colon) was yummy.

uncomfortably stuffed we drove beside terraced rice paddies and under a canopy of bamboo poles to the highland town of kintamani. driving the periphery of the dramatic 1717 m-high batur volcano i was dumbfounded by the jekyl and hyde t-shirt witch and charred remains of pompeii-ed abodes. eventually we wound down backroads until finding ourselves in the seaside town of candidasa just in time for sundown.
day 2 was temple day, with stops at the island pura at tanah lot, a tour with an 'english'-speaking guide at the impressive pura besakih and a dramatic conclusion of our temple touring with sunset balinese fire dancing at gorgeous uluwatu.

with my bali days nearly over, i switched gears and relaxed with my kl buddies omar, jaime, adam and shan in the posh confines of the khan compound in sanur. 'shalimar' as its known belongs to omars aunt, whose daughter shan showed great hospitality despite my lingering teeth marks on her upper thighs imprinted during our brief encounter in kuala lumpur (i have no recollection of the alleged offense).

sitting in the absurd lap of private villa luxury among cooks, drivers, gardeners, etc., it was initially very uncomfortable. but in short order my prep school roots drank from the pool and seemingly bottomless champagne. i had tasted the lifestyle of the asian leisure class and i liked it. we spent our afternoons half-awake with occasional banter about 'coca-cola,' youthful naughtiness requiring law enforcement bribes and debating the merits of bangkok and hong kong for new years. despite bomb threats in the evening we made our way to ku-de-ta and double-six for a lil dancing. as much as righteous pants wanted to label these fancy folks as brats they were all lovely.

oh the irony. i am eager to tie the 'spoilt' tag around others necks yet im the ass. not only did i enjoy ridiculous villa hospitality in bali, but at virtually every pitstop during my 2+ month holiday ive relied on generous local hosts to cart me around and refuse to let me pay my way. theres a special place in karma hell for ungrateful leeches like me.
more bali photos here.

but some of my best relatives are white

2006-10-13T14:24:00.000-07:00

andrew x pham is no longer my friend. despite an entertaining book about biking through asia, which made him feel like the travel buddy i never had, he has revealed himself to be one of those self-loathing asian americans who resent the way mongoloid cultural idiosyncracies prohibit his full inclusion into the glories of whiteness.

at first i thought pham included the early-life hater moments to contrast an immature youth with a triumphant oprah-style, inner-goddess discovery by memoirs end. no such luck. sure, ive been accused of falling into the opposite extreme of overcompensating half-whities who tan, shave our heads and/or adopt subtle ebonics to make our racial allegiances clear. whether you call call it immaturity, internalized racism or tragic mullato-dom, both extremes are lame.

tho ive made peace with god for not making me puerto rican ive still got latent whiteness issues. to this end, asia has been a wonderful respite from caucasia. ive enjoyed more or less fitting into the majority and beauty norms while avoiding the plague of american, european and (worst of all) aussie backpackers. but today im in westerner-friendly bali in that ubiquitous caucasoid hotspot called the high speed internet cafe. im reflexively annoyed by my white brothers and sisters and am eager to see behavior that confirms my worst expectations.

too often i see arrogant whiteys making no attempt to adapt to the cultural morés of their host environment. i dont know if this behavior is due to racism, colonialism, the great schism or just centuries of expecting servile bows from the brown-skinded, but im eager to know how the chinese behave in europe, since the total lack of humility or respect from many white types in asia is bewildering.

my inner half-white hater isnt resentment for looking funny or for koreans thinking im mexican. being mixed and self-conscious has made race a huge part of my daily life and the typical 'im colorblind' racial oblivion of your average usa white bread is so foreign and insulting to me that im aghast at folks thinking im in cahoots with them. the way most white people casually dismiss the painful and profound journey of living, understanding and processing how racism impacts many of us is dehumanizing.

i think its very un-western to accept that you cant relate. the importance of 'relating' seems awfully self-involved, as if witnessing genuine grief shouldnt be enough 'proof'. it isnt coincidence that the white friends i have generally accept they cannot fully comprehend racisms impact but respect my 'quirky' sensitivities because they respect me. right or wrong if they show any skepticism i distrust them and pull away.

the things that really push my buttons are usually the areas of my life that are unresolved. race and pants remains a work in progress. andy phams book is most disappointing because he seems oblivious to his immaturity and the futility of his desperate quest for whiteness. oh, asian americans!
more bali photos here.

bali memorial

2006-10-12T22:41:00.000-07:00

its four years to the day that a javanese man with a bomb stashed in his backpack exploded it while inside a nightclub on busy jalan legian, an area popular with tourists. seconds later as frightened people poured into the streets a car bomb was detonated. combined the blasts killed 202 (injuring 209 more), the bulk of whom were australians. it was the deadliest terrorist act in indonesias history. another 23 people were killed in bali after a series of bombs exploded here a year ago. to commemorate the blasts, today a wide strip of white cloth blanketed the several kilometers of road that connected the two bombing sites, a white shroud to commemorate the dead.
more bali photos here.

pura pura pura!

2006-10-11T14:28:00.000-07:00

retrospective posting is always a bad idea, mostly because the once vivid details are lost so im left with only fuzzy overarching themes. but pants hasnt been in much of a writing mood of late so no luck and here goes.

i felt full and weird walking along the beach from seminyak to kuta a few minutes after arriving in bali. it wasnt outright sadness but i felt on the verge of many emotions heightened by this distinct change of scenery. the beach felt like tourist central with its painfully-red westerners, fast food and other manifestations of foreigner detritus.

despite this tacky foreign consumer-driven culture that pervades a small area of bali, i also couldnt help but notice the spirituality of the place. bali is a tiny hindu enclave inside the worlds largest muslim country. signs of this are everywhere in ornate pura (temples), and the sesajen (banana leaves folded into square receptacles that might contain flowers, candy and/or incense) that are placed at the entrances to small shops and fancy hotels alike. these spiritual offerings are in addition to the larger plangkiran and banten, which are permanent shrines located in and outside structures. my chinese-javanese buddy sugiharto explained that whereas javanese often try to exorcise harmful spirits from their dwellings, balinese people prefer to make offerings as a way of compromising and coexisting with them. (sounds like a helpful philosophy in a tourist-driven economy.)

as ive more or less come to the conclusion that im a full fledged atheist (agnosticism is for wimps), this feels like a strange place to pronounce it. in the states, judeo-christianity too often seems relegated to the weekends and bigots. here in bali, the ubiquitous spiritual expressions on doorsteps, in garb and ceremony, create an integrated and peaceful contrast to a disorienting world.
more bali photos here.

saigon samanthas homo hotspots

2006-10-07T11:49:00.000-07:00

kris met hieu on a previous trip to saigon and returned the favor when hieu visited bangkok months later. hours after landing in viet nam, our local host met us and began several days of amazing eats and generous hospitality, southeast asian style.

our first stop was highlands coffee, a starbucks-inspired establishment in a country thats thwarted that beheamouths bid for total world domination. we ordered avocado shakes, viet iced coffee and pomelo juice while rotating ipods tuned to our favorite songs- nina simone, eva cassidy and thai singer kam tam ti tong tob. scanning the premises we saw the universal sign of a homo hotspot- smartly coifed young men vogueing and scanning the room for eye candy (takes one to know one). as we watched hieu wave and chat with most of the clientele, we giggled like school girls, honored that we were the guests of the unofficial mayor of homo chi minh city.

saigons underground community of 'bolos' (shorthand for bong lo or homosexuals) doesnt hold two snaps to other big asian cities. yet under the auspices of our seasoned sister, we penetrated the tunnels of viet nams rainbow underworld. case in point (and since we were always eating) was our exclusive meal at tuans, hcmcs only private restaurant (outside the hotels). owned by hieus gay friend, its small, tasteful, yellow-walled interiors were complemented by scurrying geckos and a large tree in the courtyard laden with football-sized jackfruit. it was here where i muched on some duck neck and started photographing urinals, the colorful fruity pebbles too irresistible to ignore. a centipede raced beneath the potty, which reminded me of the kuala lumpur rapid transit system. i keep forgetting what country im in. im becoming cuckoo.

from tuans we made way to samsara, hcmcs only gay club. hieu warned us that people would stare... and how! the response to our entry would put the imperial crier to shame. every head turned in our direction as fresh meat was delivered to a very rancid butchershop. that sounds horrible. what i mean is homo ho chi minh is small and incestuous and everyone knew we were newbies. the rest of the night was spent pretending to not be really weirded out by the brazen penetrating stares, the desperate longings of lonely aging men, and the shameless grabs and pokes by club princesses.

not that it was all bad. i sat in awe of the *entire* clubs impassioned sing-along to 'take me home,' fumbling alongside my viet brothers who sang confidently about west virginia and country mamas. plus, attention is often fun and viet nam is home to some very very pretty boys, collectively the best looking ive seen in asia so far.

hieus a looker himself, and his gym-buffed 5'11 presence is conspicuous among his typically shorter and svelt comardes. he is neither flamboyant nor passionate about lgbt issues, yet of all the asian queers ive met in asia, he is the only one out to his parents and i felt none of the awkwardness around being gay that radiates from virtually everyone else ive met to date. during a memorable conversation about why he remains single he noted his pirated collection of sex and the city dvds and his particular affection for samantha... without further delay, we introduce saigon samantha.

im almost giddy at the thought of living/working here for a time, tho the countrys stifling homo climate gives me pause. sure america hates homos, but except for a few pockets of persistent internalized homophobia, im out and proud back home and wouldnt take kindly to being shoved back into the closet. lots to mull over. meanwhile, i close with a snapshot of what is already an asian tour 2006 highlight:

on my final night in viet nam, the pretty saigon boys took me on their wild club hopping ride under the bright full moon of the mid-autumn festival. after 3 clubs and 1 pho break, the 10 of us distributed ourselves onto 4 motorbikes and did our final laps atop ho chi minh villes spectacularly empty streets at 4 am. as our sweat-drenched bodies became dry thanks to the delightful 40 mph rush of early morning air, hoots and hollers narrated a dangerous game of moped chicken while a hot potato exchange of cell phones, cameras and the occasional titty twisting raised the stakes. but as late friday yielded to early saturday our nightly hijinx came to an end. one by one each bike veered off the main drag, its passengers waving a carefree, understated goodbye. mine was last and i couldnt help feeling both fulfilled and a lil sad.

its both sad and ironically liberating that a conspicuous crew of young queers out on the town aroused no suspicion or harrassment since we were in a place where homosexuality is so repressed as to not exist. as always, its lifes pesky transitions that cause the greatest grief and glory.
more viet nam photos here.

tam biet and adieu

2006-10-06T18:37:00.000-07:00

im back in solo mode after travel homie flew home to bkk last night. its my last full day in viet nam and i was quite content to spend it in windowless rm #903 of the lan lan 2 hotel, sleeping in, catching up on my weblog and reading more of andrew x phams entertaining book.

but this afternoon mr hieu stole me from my hermetic retreat and we gobbled some yummy street fare (i passed on the pigs ear strips but the mushroom-y balls that explode into mini morsels were fun) and then made an obligatory stop at highlands coffee where i had the honor to meet cindy, a fabulous post-op transsexual who is vietnams lgbt freedom fighter. she became the first to publicly out herself to the media when she fought to have her id card changed to reflect her female gender identity (no word yet). i guess she has a german boyfriend who tells her shes more of a woman than anyone hes previously dated.

deep in my food coma, i napped while the bloomberg channel described perus stock market miracle. some minutes later hieu picked me up encore and i got my hair clipped helluh short (my ocd too acute) followed by a fresh milk facial (not that kind u dirty homos) along with an uncomfortable scalp massagẹ by a lady with really long nails. tonights plans are predictable: dinner with minh and make haste for one more samsara hurrah! somewhere in-between i want to check out all of the cute kids out en masse who are celebrating tonights moon festival.

i havent processed my departure yet (my scalp and face are awfully tight), but unless some hackneyed insight compels me to pen something manana, i guess nows a good time to bid tam biet and adieu to everyone who has viet nam such a remarkable pomelo patch of experiences: my travel buddy kris, our charming and gracious saigon host hieu, minh, binh, tony, my, playboy ngoc and the pretty pretty boys of samsara. up north, god bless hanoi lam, tii, anh, the halong bay kiwis and the irresistible staff of the hong ngoc 2 hotel. all yall will be missed. and dont worry, like the sign said, the world truly does support viet nam in its resistance.

tomorrow ill take an evening flight to hong kong and spend most of my 12-hour layover at casa de clarence before heading to bali in the morn. that sounds nice.
more viet nam photos here.

biking the soaring dragon city

2006-10-05T20:32:00.000-07:00

legend has it that in the 15th century the gods sent emperor ly thai to a magical sword to defeat the chinese, who had ruled viet nam for one millenia. once victorious the emperor was met by a golden tortoise who took this sword from ly, descended into the lake, and returned it to its divine owners.

today, ho hoan kiem (lake of the restored sword) serves as a focal point in ha nois charming, 1000-yr-old, french colonial-style old quarter. magically, giant tortoises (rafetus leloii) (supposedly) still lurk in the big pond. a dead 250kg specimen was found in 1968 and a 2000 photo provided more recent 'proof,' loch-ness style. legend aside, today the lake is a central gathering place for this bustling capital city of 3.5 million. while jogging this morn, i saw gobs of locals in the midst of various fitness regimen, like badminton (with and w/o racquets), fan dances, stretching, and the occasional shirtless upside down man doing reverse situps with his legs dangling up in the air.

a haphazard exchange of narrow streets with oft-changing names like 'roasted fish st,' 'bamboo lattices st' and 'clam worms st' (translated, of course) lead away from the lake. unlike saigons district 1, the old quarter boasts heaps of campy french architecture that, at first glance, doesnt complement the citys undeniable grit and crumble, nor the ubiquitous, brightly colored, child-sized plastic stools where pho eaters and coffee drinkers compete with mopeds for a slice of the narrow sidewalk. sure its visual overload, but everything magically fits into creating a charismatic urban jungle.

kris and i rented bicycles (holy sheet!) and gambled with our lives in order to see more of the old quarter en route to tourist traps. innumerable wrong turns and side swipes later, we had visited the temple of literature (viet nams first university built in 1070 dedicated to confucius), the weird and difficult to navigate ho chi minh complex (the mausoleum featuring his glass sarcophagus was closed on mondays) and had lunch at koto, a nonprofit restaurant and vocational training program for ha noi street youth. the food was ok, the staff so endearing. the menus use of dollar $igns instead of ampersands was humorous tho problematic since it subconsciously made everything seem pricey.

one of our final ha noi stops was the roi nuoc thang long theatre. water puppetry is an amazing folk art indigenous to northern vietnamese farmers that incorporates traditional song and music with beautiful and agile fig-wood puppets. the human and animal dolls are manipulated by puppeteers who stand waist-deep in water hidden behind a screen and an elaborate backdrop (thankfully rubber waders mean they no longer die of water borne illnesses). im easily distracted when it comes to this sort of thing but was enthralled the entire 90 mins.

ha noi in an enchanting place. smaller and less hectic than saigon, its busy narrow streets lined by skinny 4-6 storey french-inspired facades. all of this is thankfully interrupted by the soaring dragon citys many lakes and the great red river.
more viet nam photos here.

a quick dip in halong bay

2006-10-04T17:48:00.000-07:00

at 20 or so knots our junk is intercepted by a tenacious young pirate in a row boat laden with ritz crackers, beer and candy bar booty. in a matter of seconds, she angles towards us at a furious row until just inches away she releases her oars, surges forward and slips a rope onto our hull. now hitched along for the ride she calls out to we prospective snackers. no one indulges. after a few minutes, she releases us in search of her next customer.

halong bay, which means something along the lines of 'dragon descending into the sea' is an absurdly dramatic setting of 1000 jagged limestone islands in a 1553 square km bay off the gulf of tonkin on viet nams ne coast. its remarkable beauty won it unesco natural world heritage site status. after a day spent exploring a huge cave, picking up trash via kayak and just lounging on the top deck while admiring the view, were spending the night aboard our charming vietnamese junk.

just prior to retiring, however, i couldnt help but take a quick dip in the bays warm bath. as i treaded water, i looked at the fifty of so peaks and 30 wooden junks around me. each boat was illuminated by yellow lights that cast a pretty golden reflection on the calm water. amongst the yellow lights was a single white silhouette of the waxing gibbous moon. ...awww so nice.
more viet nam photos here.

guilt soils compassion

2006-10-03T22:22:00.000-07:00

kris and i awoke early this morn to catch the bus to scenic halong bay. typhoon xangsane had nixed our plan to work up the coast and i am ready to flee the urban hustle bustle and the return of my pollution cough. $34 bought us a 2-day 1-night excursion on a viet junk, kayaking, meals and transport inc., so at 8 am 15 of us packed into a small van for a 3 hour jaunt to the coast.

half way we stopped at what appeared to be your typical tour group snacks n brickabrack waystation. embroidered scarves, ceramics and coin purses were laid out in rows inside of a school gym-sized concrete box. since im a narcissist, i eyed a copy of andrew x phams 'catfish and mandala,' described as:

'...the poignant, lyrical tale of an american odyssey... a voyage around the pacific rim to viet nam made by a young vietnamese-american in pursuit of both his adopted homeland and his forsaken fatherland.'

(i know im shameless and predictable, but it won awards and shit.) having become used to ten cent beer and 40 cent pho this book of questionable authenticity wasnt worth its $12 cover price (almost 200,000 viet dong)! so i haggled with a woman sporting two disfigured eyes, but she only went down 2 bucks. i defiantly declined and made my way back to our van, which was when i saw the sign describing said concrete box as the dai nghia humanity center #2. the center sold traditional handicrafts made by local young people who were disabled by the us militarys spraying of the agent orange defoliant during the war. earlier i had eyed a handsome employee and had been surprised to see him moving towards a potential customer dragging his leg in a dramatic limp.

a rush of blood shot to my face. i was ashamed, responsible, arrogant, petty, humbled, stupid, lucky ... my father and thousands of other american gis killed 3 million vietnamese during what the viet call the american war yet no one has showed anger or resentment when i tell them where im from. but this young woman didnt smile to ease my conscience and i became paranoid wondering if she made a connection between our realities. sure, the center's prominent sign aims to tug at heart strings, but surely she didnt know what i would do if she elected to milk my overwhelming guilt.

ive had people chastise me for being cold and uncaring and praised by others as extraordinarily compassionate. back on the road after leaving the center, i realized that i have a very low tolerance for people agonizing over what i perceive to be minor hardship and am a total sap when it comes to individuals who i think have endured significant trauma. (how/why ive appointed myself supreme arbiter of hardship is a question for a future post.) ive often thought a main ingredient for compassion is ones ability to relate to the victim, but my uncomfortable interaction at the center makes me curious about the relationship between guilt and compassion; where do they meet? should they remain mutually exclusive? is there such thing as pure compassion? does guilt taint compassion?

(update) needless to say, on our return trip this afternoon i tried to assuage my guilt through retail therapy. i made a beeline to the woman and acquired mr phams memoir as well as some postcards and a silver ram for lil zuzu. i didnt even haggle for the latter. in karmic retribution for being an arrogant yankee ass, my book is a poorly photocopied reproduction, sporting hand written page numbers and pages folded yet uncut. tearing each page instead of turning them makes reading more interactive. im enjoying the book so far. back to saigon tomorrow.
more viet nam photos here.

half-hearted suicide

2006-09-30T12:12:00.000-07:00

i love it here and its not just because of the remarkably hospitable temps and delicious breezes (unusual this time of year ive been told). its also not only due to the resourceful, passionate and clever peeps, the fact that i have a travel buddy for this leg of my journey, or because theres more wifi and internet cafes here than anywhere else ive been thus far.

its hard not to be impressed by the determination that fills the air here, especially when one tries to comprehend the impact of 3 million deaths from a very recent civil war. yet today, with bright new hammer+sickle soviet banners and vietnamese flags still flying side by side, viet nam has emerged as asias 2nd fastest growing economy and is hosting the 2006 apec summit. no big surprise after a few interactions with the local folk. u get the impression that trying to rip you off might just be part of the game. if youre keen to it, theyll chuckle and lower their price (a little). if not, youre a rich tourist who can afford it anyway, so no harm no foul right? i am drawn to the 'by any means necessary' environment, tempered by a genuine friendliness and curiosity about out of towners.

even before i had the privilege to meet its people, saigons streets made a lasting impression: shock and fear! mind u, ive seen nutty road culture- ive witnessed seoul and kl, even driven in san jose (costa rica, not cali) and ballard, but hcmc takes the mooncake. ive seen only half a dozen traffic lights in this city of 6m, and never more than one at even the busiest intersection. why have lights when the only true road rule is opportunity- pinpointing that split second to usher your swarm of mopeds forward into the intersection, thus briefly changing the direction of prevailing traffic until someone else flips the switch. tho mopeds rule, the chaos also includes cyclos, small cars, busses, crazzy bicyclists and women in conical hats balancing impressive loads of produce in baskets connected by a shoulder pole like human weigh scales. somehow it works (quite efficiently, i think) and i never saw blood. theres also something refreshing about drivers who are ever aggressive and alert, none of that 'hang up and drive!' bs you see stateside. not surprisingly, the air is always filled with an unrivaled cacophony of horn honking and choke-inducing exhaust.

amid this insanity, pedestrians also must seek opportunities to cross the street, tho waiting for a 'safe' option will keep you sidelined for days. the safest and quickest way (tho quite counter intuitive), is to simply start your slow-ish amble across the street no matter what, allowing the dozens of mopeds speeding towards you time to negotiate around what is just another obstacle. the first few times it feels like a half-hearted suicide attempt, but in time you start feeling kind of like a ghost or keanu reeves, or... yeah.. whatever.

its no shocker that its amid all this madness that humanity has felt unusually vibrant and hopeful. its hard not to imagine why when all of your senses are constantly greeted by competing morsels, enough to keep the attention of your worst adhd case. i think hcmc/saigon is my favorite place thus far, tho its hard to tell given all of the variables (amounts of sleep, food, seratonin, hormones, etc) that make an objective analysis impossible. but ive never heard someone speak ugly of viet nam and i can tell why- its overwhelming beauty deserves high praise, its undeniable grit should also be appreciated.
more viet nam photos here.

evading a laotian elephant

2006-09-29T04:19:00.000-07:00

yes indeed, typhoon xangsane (lao language for elephant) is barreling its way to central viet nam after killing 48 in the philippines and is labeled the strongest typhoon in 10 years. plans to move up the vietnamese coastline are on hold lest i want to participate in asian katrina. stand by.

(technical) new posts on old hijinx

2006-09-28T14:07:00.000-07:00

4 hour layovers at hong kongs airport can be fruitful. i just posted a few entries from events prior that had fallen by the wayside. take a gander:

9-sept: city of angels
6-aug: fleeting glimse of an azn homo posse
5-aug: canada loves homos
1-aug: a coastal adventure

onward christian soldiers!

2006-09-27T22:21:00.000-07:00

last night featured more vivid dreams and only half-sleep. i awoke early to don skimpy shorts and jogged along the river promenade and was kindly rewarded by a nice head wind on the return journey. i spent most of the day avoiding the heat but purchased a pretty new casio elixim to replace the little slut thats now in someone elses sweaty grasp. i experienced the simple luxury of picking up washed and folded laundry. me and ashleigh headed to the night safari, which started out as a frightful tourist trap and ended an inspiring tram ride through the jungle. personal favorites included the tapir (!), giant ant eaters (which side is which?), and, of course, the asian elephants. the night is still young so i may meet ben at zouk, but marty is draggin a bit. (update: i did indeed meet up with a refreshingly down to earth mr ben, downed a couple chivas shots and tiger beers and then had the taxi drop me at random so i could wander buzzed through the citys empty streets one more time. why does this seem to happen a lot?)

i leave the spore early tomorrow morn excited to drop a few industrial strata but regretful that i didnt stroll through chinatown or the katong hoods peranakan row houses. the pernankans created singapores mixed chinese-malay culture and since the asian civilization museums entire peranakan exhibit was under remodel, i leave without any mud baby highlights. what i will take (sans photographs!) is an appreciation for the island nations attractive urban garden motif, its surprisingly playful public art and advertising, and its peculiar, dogged attempts to control its kind citizens lives.

i have a feeling that a lack of access or interest will keep postings to a minimum as i work my way up the coast of viet nam with kris, the quiet ob gyn from bangkok. its weird to think im just shy of 1/3 done with my holiday. life is hard. hasta luego to all the mamasitas and papananas- arjuna, tainan, sam, ashleigh and ben. im amused that youre all afraid of the states. i promise the violence is mostly random and that gruffness shouldnt be automatically interpreted as meanness. and um... its a big place. get yo visas and tell me your travel plans and i will put you under the auspices of yankee love.

singas so far: lost and found

2006-09-26T20:08:00.000-07:00

despite plans to wake up early and jog alongside the singapore river, i awoke flat on my back at 10 in an unusual coffin-like pose. i was in the midst of a long and vivid dream that included three main vignettes: 1) an episode where i talked my way out of a fight with good ole white boy iraq war sympathizers, 2) walking through a grocery store nekkid, and 3) being questioned by the CIA because my mother was under suspicion for child abuse. ive heard armchair dream analysts say that its how one feels about dreamed events, not the events themselves, thats important. id summarize my reactions as follows: 1) i was naive to get myself into the situation but surprised by my adept exit from it, 2) self-conscious that my perusing produce in the buff wasnt horrible, but inconsiderate, and 3) surprised by my mothers fragility and the prospect of her losing everything that shes built from nothing.

a curious start to a curious day. its been a truly remarkable tuesday, that is, worthy of remark, both good and not so perfect. lets start with the unfortunate loss of my pretty camera, as well as misplacing my journal, itinerary and list o local contacts just 12 hours earlier. clearly someone is sleep walking. me thinks the camera was left in a taxi on my way back from the botanic gardens this afternoon. the driver was nice and i gave him a tip, so heres hoping my call to lost and found will be fruitful. not likely. no use getting too upset. i just wish i hadnt lost all those nice pics from penang, taipei and sg thus far. :( i took solace in purchasing a handsome polo, oxford and sweater vest at a j.lindeberg store off orchard rd ;)

so lets concentrate on good stuff- two wonderful dinners in 2 days, the first with beautiful jail bait arjuna and tainan at the maxwell hawkers market (the stingray and satay were sigh-worthy) and omars friend missy (all his friends have been conspicuously female) who treated me to a delightful and entertaining southern indian dinner- highlighted by lime juice and a spicy fish head curry- in singapores little india district, which was all lit up in neon peacocks to celebrate deepavali, or indian new year.

i know i know, stop whining about the heat, but this unsweaty man is marinating in his own juices after anything more than a 15-minute foray into the un-air conditioned elements. all said, i thoroughly enjoyed the vast botanic gardens today, complete with an impressive orchid garden, extensive collection of the diverse ginger family (which includes bananas and turmeric!) and an inspirational lunch at halia. as a precocious 13-yo boy, i started a plant and landscape consulting corp., and the well-planned gardens harkened me back to those early entrepreneurial years and made me long for another greenhouse of my own.

but the true epiphany came while waiting for a portabella and asparagus ciabatta at halia. ive been feeling naughty for not giving more thought to whats next career-wise and had just minutes earlier committed to dedicated time slots for plan making. yet it was in the midst of eating a yummy bitter arugula that the idea congealed. i love those moments when my creative entrepreneurial pistons fire and ideas start to wildly metastasize. its how each of my companies have been borne and i cant wait to piece together the details. its incredibly exciting to think of all that must be done next! stay tuned!

so, all in all, i was in a heady, wonderful space... incredibly grateful to have had this creative moment. perhaps losing my dear camera while still in the euporic fog of discovery was a necessary sacrifice to achieve balance, lest i get hit by a car or contract some horrible water borne illness. just material goods and nostalgic momentos, right?

taipei: a retrospective

2006-09-22T01:35:00.000-07:00

i left taipei this morning munching a sizzling fried egg from a plastic bag with chopsticks while listening to taiwanese-american transplant lee hom on my ipod. it was a fitting end to my short few days in formosa. taipei is a cool place and i wish i had some more time and energy to venture outside the city, but i see myself coming back. as the hallyu or korean wave enjoys its last gasp, i cant help but think stylish taipeiers might be the ones to pick up the slack.

speaking of which you should be pleased to hear that rather than taking a pout nap the other day, i ventured next door and got my hair did at the taiwanese equivalent of supercuts. 'krazycuts' was an adventure given the 100% language barrier with my stylist and her lack of talent... what do u expect for us $12? i dont think ive been more stared at in my life. that said she looked phenomenal and her attempts to give my mexican-textured locks the taipei friz were appreciated. once i obsess that my hair is too long, hell nor language barrier will stop me from chopping it off. a similar episode in 12th grade left me bald for 5 years.

sporting my new coif i spent the next few hours cruising taipei on the back of a moped, which was awesome if only a bit scurry. victor took me for yummy dumplings and to the palace museum- an impressive complex of buildings that house the over 400,000 chinese artistic treasures chiang kai shek pilfered from the forbidden city (dont be upset prc. comrade mao would probably have destroyed them as decadent relics of bourgeois excess... plus the renegade province will be reunited with the mainland soon... right!?). heavy on perfect ceramics and gorgeous ancient books, yall chinee should be proud. how someone takes a single piece of ivory and carves eight remarkably intricate balls (each one inside the other, so that each can spin independently) is beyond me. the much-loved jade cabbage and slab o meat made of jasper were refreshingly playful. the exhibit on ch'ing dynasty efforts to record taiwans aboriginal people was also interesting.

i closed out my stay pocket calling sissy back home and then followed up with a real chat while buzzed and waiting for my hosts in houshanpi. minutes earlier i had met lucky at 'funky' to see view very cute taiwanese guys and listen to bad american music. too bad i left before the chinese pop started. when jiao-long + co arrived we headed to the 'follow me' party, which was a huge series of rooms filled with half-nekkid mens on ecstasy, including our friend hk model man. i left around 4 and found myself wandering around in an eerily empty xiamen.

and there i was just a coupla hours later at taipei main station (said in the american + british + australian accented female monotone of the mrts taped announcement, which i love and would enjoy immitating for you) and boarded my airport bus. ill miss taiwan. what i wont miss is this pollution cough thats developed and the spontaneous rash on my back, thanks to toxic detergent and my inability to read chinese washing directions.

so i leave just as ive finally perfected my ni hao! and xie xie!. im on to the nanny state of singapore for another short stint before more ambitious viet nam plans ensue. of course, silly sloppy half-korean kisses to all my tpe homies: jack (for letting me stay at his glam digs in yuanshan), jiao long + mankub (for being my rosetta stones to local homo-ness), lucky, jimmy, cheuk, kenji, chris and victor. keep in touch and come visit.

i shagged a model

2006-09-21T20:32:00.000-07:00

asia is just full of surprises! thanks to a mutual parisian cyber pal, me and one of hong kongs finest did what comes naturally after several whiskeys (his: chivas, mine: johnnie walker black) in hip and happenin zhongxiao dunhua. me here on holiday, he to make commercials, ah, how the internet brings people together.

despite my flip tone, its time we pity the gorgeous. physical perfection proves too great a distraction for the common wo/man. we require so little from beautiful people other than their superifical hotness, expecting none of the intelligence, wit, compassion or charisma we demand from the typical joan. of course the tragedy is that these showponies grow up without the prodding necessary to develop their personalities as the rest of us are distracted by their pretty faces. as a result, there seems to be an uncanny correlation between beauty and banality. of course whats most sad is that they are mere mortals who want to be complicated, who desire love and intimacy, and can feel that theyre not getting it. i know many a sad hottie.

i could have broken the cycle. as he stood before me in the buff, both of us admiring the absurd perfection of his creases and bulges, he told me that his agent thinks hes fat. a cry for help! but the only response i could muster was 'such is the biz.' hows that for compassion? but what am i supposed to say? 'how did that make you feel?' 'you have a beautiful soul.' i was drunk, horny and not in the mood for remedial personality classes.

its been curious to get my own bit of attention here. many asians are jonzing for mixed guys (as long as theyre half-white) so being in asia has been flattering. i mean, i dont get to sleep with models back home. tho i grew up being told i was handsome by old ladies, enough doubt was cast by a society where asian american men are seen as penis-less, dog eating, wife beating uglies - in a word: undesirable. as i grew up and came out, i was introduced to the compelling option of being the effeminate boy-servant to an old white man. i dunno, i just didnt go for that.

its fun being pretty here. if i get too lame, i can just head back to the states, where faces like mine are generally invisible, except to the fetishists.

wait, what was my point here? ...oh yeah, i shagged a model.

global and personal instability tour

2006-09-19T18:38:00.000-07:00

i woke up yesterday morning to a phone call from sissy in chicago alerting me to a military coup in thailand. the past several days have seen round the clock protests against taiwans president chen shui bian. and just seconds ago there was an onslaught of rapid machine gunfire to my left. whereas the former are real, the latter was just one of my 100 or so taipei teen homies playing wow (world of warcraft) in an internet cafe near the jiantan night market.

trouble is, i spend a good bit of the day looking forward to my time behind the computer screen. when i finally get here and finish my biz in 10 mins, i wonder what the fuss was all about. it turns out that the internet cafe is my guilty pleasure, an oasis of comfort as my virtual connx to the outside world. as little annoying pc pop-up windows ask me various questions in chinese, i just click away, unsure what i have agreed to install or what passwords i have permanently stored here on terminal 9. all said, i still feel guilty staring at an lcd monitor instead of the wealth of cultural experiences on the outside. cmon marty, when u gonna be in taipei again?

i was in a fabulous state of euphoria on my short hop from hkg to tpe on tuesday, and i think it was more than the free internet i found at the hong kong airport. the flight attendant teased me for my silly grin and venti sized chai. we amurricans like things BIG (theres no venti in taipei). im not altogether sure why but that euphoria has waned since and i woke up with my corners feeling a little dulled and my spirits low. it doesnt feel like travel malaise per se, i suspect that im just a little low on seratonin. the trip up to the danshui river this morning offered a nice respite from city life, tho what did i do immediately after disembarking the train? headed to starbucks (embarrassing sanctuary #2).

lest i seem like a flagellater (no, not 'flatulator'), ideally, i think travel should include the mundane along with the exotic. theres nothing wrong with seeking a morsel of familiarity while being inundated by foreignness, lest we totally lose our identities. i just dont like feeling lazy, unappreciative of the opportunities around me, or finding more evidence that i value comfort over substance. all in all it is the slippery slope to complacency, superficiality and auto pilot (aka ordinary-ness) that i want to avoid. on that note, im going home to take a nap.

selamat tinggal malaysia!

2006-09-18T06:10:00.000-07:00

oh the moment has nearly arrived when i will bid ole malaya farewell. after a night spent in nearby taiping at my newest 'yesterday we were strangers today we are bff' homie justins house, we headed into historic palau pinang for a busy day.

(i guess penang with an 'e' is the ole spelling, 'i' is the new. ill alternate to show deference to the past while trying my damndest not to seem obsolete) i had heard that pinang is a foodies paradise and i must say i had only phenomenal meals today. oh lawd the laksa assam for lunch was yummy... a special pinang fish n noodle soup seasoned with something vaguely cilantro-y and made a bit sour with tamarind. on the tourist front, we started at the huge kek lok si buddhist temple and kuan yin teng statue, a haphazardly arranged complex with perky gold tile roofs and what i imagine to be millions of effigies of the big man adorning its walls and halls. there was also a huge bronze statue of yuan lin, the goddess of mercy as well as the ladyfriend air travelers pay homage to. there was considerable construction on the site, including several new buildings and the re-tiling of old ones. it was interesting to understand the complex as a constantly evolving work in progress rather than just as a maintained ancient wonder.

next we took a very slow 30-min tram up the side of penang hill to see... well, im not sure. but at least it was delightfully cool respite from what was a truly oppressive 'theres always the threat of a dam break of sweat above my brow' kind of heat. no, really, i want you to think about bearing for hours a heavy and thick layer of liquid that clogs each pore and fuses your clothing to your body. now think about entering hyper air conditioned spaces which freeze-dry your body soup until youre outside again minutes later and its simmering yet again. as anyone with a food handlers permit will tell ya, hot, cold, hot, cold = bacteria.

back to the program. other highlights included the whimsical butterfly garden (where i learned that scientists estimate the world has 6 million species of insect with only 1.5 discovered thus far... eww), a quick putz around the pricey (read: expat hangout) batu ferringhi neighborhood, and we ended the day with fabulous indian food and a wander through georgetowns charming streets- oldskool colonial buildings with new school chinese and indian signage. kinda wish i had another half day for urban cruising. cruising of another sort was on the minds of some tranny hookers near my hotel, who hissed at me while cat calling 'papi' on my way back from the 7-11. wait, where am i?

anyhow, i cant remember why i chose to start my trip here... but so glad i did. i leave malaysia a big fan. lets hope the fragile peace between all yall malay muslims, buddhist/christian chinese and hindu indians is maintained. i think a compare and contrast between usa-style affirmative action and malaysia for malays bumiputra would be interesting. anyhow, a huge heartfelt terima kasih to all of the beautiful hosts and folks ive met here- faisal, junn, omar, jaime, shaan, andrew, mark and vincent- (screw all you bougie study abroad freaks... ive got my own international homies now!) ;) ok, one nation-state down, nine more to go.

(technical) fotos up

2006-09-17T10:45:00.000-07:00

fer yer viewing playzoore, i uploaded fotos for the past few posts on nyc and malaysia. la will be up soon. sorry, but lighting, cropping, etc. is poor due to lack o retouching software.

last tango in the muddy confluence

2006-09-16T20:04:00.000-07:00

kl was named in the mid-nineteenth century by tin prospectors who landed where the klang and gombak rivers met. the name 'kuala lumpur' means 'muddy confluence.' indeed, from the air one can see that all of malaysias rivers run a muddy ruddy brown. this info was provided to me thanks to dear dashing omar, who was proud to rehash some local lore. too bad lonely planet did it first. the gentlemanly thing to do would have been to nod and say 'oh really?' but i was eager to show my displeasure since he was complicit in an unplanned 2 hr walkabout earlier in the evening.

doing laundry and repacking have quickly become familiar rituals. thankfully my bag isnt overpacked, so i can be a bit lax with organizing my inventory. waking at 3:30 am this am to fly out to penang didnt sound so hot, so in an hour or so ill make my way to what ive heard is a confusing and stifling bus station to find a 4-hour coach ride. im there until monday when i depart malaysia altogether for taipei. ill miss kls unpretentious ambition.

my final full day in kl was spent mostly in recoup mode, headache and sniffles my punishment for friday nights debauchery. saturday evening was less obscene (for the most part), giving me the opportunity to sit back and watch other homo asians amuse and perform at kls premier gay venue, liquid. this innocent fun was followed by heady reminders of the comfort of being in darkness with someone intriguing, frenetic thoughts funneled into clumsy words, and feeling nearly overwhelmed with uncertainty. its enough to drive one batty, but with a couple hours perspective its just more evidence that im alive, i guess.

jesus: alive, well and asian

2006-09-15T14:43:00.000-07:00

the generosity of the people ive met thus far is alarming. what i am experiencing on a daily basis isnt the somewhat insincere good manners hospitality of most folks back home... its this overwhelming, no second thought, 'jesus christ is alive, well and asian' kind of way. its the 'leave the party early cuz im a drunk lush, hold me while im puking oodles inside a taxi, once home bathe said disaster off of me, wash my clothes, tuck me into bed, and while im sleep sleeping away, be on all fours picking up the hundreds of napkin pieces off the laundry room floor cause i thought keeping tissues in my back pocket was clever' kind of way. (for illustrative purposes only.)

in my experiences here, these constant acts of generosity are not excuses for resentment, naughty favors, nor reproach. these demonstrations are not loaded nor overly complicated. they feel like a way of life. my typical means of showing appreciation was honed in response to typical acts of kindness. consequently my responses dont adequately acknowledge the magnanimity of their gestures. i guess my main confusion stems from the fact that these are strangers bestowing the care and love that i expect to give and receive only from good friends. i leave these interactions feeling humbled, if not also a bit humiliated, because all this still feels foreign.

down in da bharu

2006-09-14T21:10:00.000-07:00

none of my new malaysian buddies understands why im here in this little city in ne kelantan, the poorest and most conservative state in peninsular malaysia. each mention of coming here elicited a polite 'why?' signs proclaiming 'kota bharu bandar raya islam' (kota bharu: the islamic city) areeverywhere, and inded there is far more arabic and much less english singage here. im self conscious about wearing shorts despite the stifling heat and humidity, tho the chinese community seems ok with baring a lil leg flesh and im chinee so i guess its ok.

honestly i cant say why im here either. perhaps another one of those strange lonely planet moments. waking up at 4:30 to get the taxi to catch the bus to take the plane wasnt awesome, but having accepted the fairly alarming condition of my hostel room and still giddy about 1.60 ringgit (40 cents) for an hour of moderately high speed internet, im glad i came... tho probably wont be back har har. all said, a few highlights thus far:

(1) oh so refreshing breezes pushing off the muddy orange sungai kelantan (kelantan river)

(2) watching a huge kelly green mantis doing a jerky walk on pieces of snapping charcoal.

(3) my tongue finding tiny reservoirs of sweet salt hidden in my so yummy nasi goreng.

(4) buying me a can of 'kickapoo joy juice' from a lady in an off-the-road shanty. (i promise i will also use 'shanty' to describe abodes back home too.)

(5) having a good size chunk of my neck scalded in my excited discovery of warm water.

ok, im ready to get back to KL.

day 1

2006-09-13T08:36:00.000-07:00

(what begins is a cliche travelog of my emancipasian 2006 tour whose meandering and oft updated entries will make my weblog even less cohesive and consistent than usual. fotos to come when cyber cafes permit. onward!)

because thats how koreans do it, joon carted my ass to lax instead of letting me take the metro train that was just 10 feet from his loft. i had butterflies as we approached the terminal, which made me think about how i seem to always like such reminders that i am living, breathing and feeling.

i arrived at the airport count em 6 hours early to minimize my chance of being stuck between two fatties in a non-reclining seat on a 14-hour flight. victory was mine. strangely enough, neither the airport stay nor the flight itself seemed particularly long. its funny that my oft remarks on the sheer absurdity of a 14-hr flight made the real thing a piece of cake.

now that im in kuala lumpur, all of a sudden this solo traveling gig (punctuated by arranged rendezvous with heretofore strangers) seems perfect. i was never particualrly apprehensive about traveling alone, more mindful that bouts of lonliness were inevitable. but this feels right.

kl's airport was shiny and efficient. the ekspres train took me to kl sentral in just 28 mins. as i walked around town, i saw about an equal proportion of muslim malay women in colorful hijab, chinese and indians. according to faisal, my warm and kind host for two nights, the govt has done a decent job of keeping intra-ethnic strife to a minimum.

i love those american moments... similar to korean bathrooms, faisal's shower head just comes out of the wall and water sprays on the toilet, floor, sink and everything else. i sat there for a good minute or so running my hand under the stream waiting for it to get warm. ummm no. i dont know why id want a warm shower in this sticky 'humidity so thick u can eat it' heat anyway.

i did a quick walkabout in town, taking random turns here and there along not-quite pedestrian friendly streets clogged with cars and mopeds, using the collosal glittering petronas towers as my point of reference. outside the twin monoliths is a water fountain and pool where lovebirds gather at dusk while the muslim call to prayer echoes behind them.

faisal and his wife jun meet me there and we head to KLs kampung, a sizeable area of the city where people living in more traditional stilted wood homes on narrow dirt streets resisted selling off their parcels for urban sprawl. we pick and choose tasty foods, including an especially spicy eggplant number and some very yummy curry fish sauce over rice. i eye my glass of water suspiciously. tummy was puzzled, shifted back and forth a bit, but is still in tact. strangely enough tho we all ate the same thing, i was the only one who didnt get sick. thanks, childhood kimchi.

diarrhea: when not if

2006-09-10T17:04:00.000-07:00

the moment has arrived. i depart in mere hours, bowels still intact, still totally oblivious to the reality that it will be nearly 3 months before im back in gods country. its amazing what young people will do in these here disillusioned times to wake ourselves up from the lethargic slumber of privilege. perhaps we should reinstate the draft.

i also love the fact that i almost missed my flight here from nyc and made it (after chucking all of my liquids and gels since i was too late to check any luggage) and just realized 15 minutes ago that my flight to hong kong leaves late this evening, NOT tomorrow afternoon. ah, military time! (another reason to reinstate the draft) i hope that this latest ditzy moment will be the kick in the pants i need to WAKE UP and avoid future missed flights, muggings, bacterial infections and the like.

i hope that some of you will place friendly wagers on how many hours before my first loose stool. malaysia is known for its fine cuisine and i aint holdin back. place your wagers, fill the kitty, and wait for trouble in the poop chute!

city of angels

2006-09-09T17:55:00.000-07:00

la gets a lot of shiz for being dirty and fake (cuz it is), but the place grows on me each time i visit. one cant help but admire the quintessential socal beach, the beautiful but vacant people... ah the absurdity of it all.

cathays 'all asia pass' allows me to depart from sf, la or nyc, and in the interests of participating in a koko kamp reunion, i chose here. it has been a coupla months since we indulged in our korean power week so it was delightful to be back in the company of my fellow counselors. joon picked me up at lax and we hustled over to k-town for some delicious samgyupsal, soondoobu and the like. after closing the place down we moved on to order ice cream sundaes of such magnitude to cause anyone without a korean metabolism to gasp and clutch at their seizing heart. gawd i love me some k-town kokos and kuisine. without fail i always get a lil funny tummy when im with my people, a subtle discomfort reminding me that im still an outsider, but its a feeling i embrace and i think they like it too.

day 2 i had the pleasure of sunday brunch at the abbey, a west hollywood institution. spicy bloody marys and a delicious soft scramble which didnt skimp on the avocados were accompanied by an extraordinary host, john, a half-chinese transplant from north seattle who is doing la quite well, thank u much. brunch was followed by a lil walk thru weho, was followed by a hot pair of new diesel jeans (paid in great part by his store credit... im speechless), was followed by a ride out to the santa monica pier made more enjoyable by a power sized jamba juice smoothie. in retrospect, with these kinds of hosts, no wonder why i like ciudad de los angeles.

by nature im awfully suspicious so i kept wondering why i was the recipient of such audacious generosity. i sought out sinister motives but came up pitifully empty. i guess some guys are just nice, no?

lulu, cindybro, chucky and julia stiles

2006-09-08T12:31:00.000-07:00

nyc: chapter 2 closed out in familiarly wacko fashion with a visit to chuckies new 7 story walk up apt in the heart of chinatown (he should measure his ass and thighs for before and after comparison), dumplings in chinatown (i was the only member of our 4sum w/o fractional chinee heritage), seeing ms. julia stiles in her directing debut in said chinertown, and realizing that our idea of going to an 'underwear (ie sex) party' wasnt so hot. sure, three asian homos heading into bklyn together was appealing in an absurd, voyeuristic and perverted online porn concept way, but once there the tiny place smelled like ass and we left soon after. plus, louie got mad at me. i much preferred the pretty mexican bartender earlier in the eve who thought i was her people. if i had a dollar...

5 years on

2006-09-07T17:53:00.000-07:00

i made my way down to ground zero today with 9/11s five year mark on everyones mind. im not a crybaby, so i was surprised at how emotional i was reading the timeline and viewing photos of the days events surrounding the new path station.

a quick study of the small crowd suggested mostly international folks and i was the lone wailer. i was simultaneously buoyed by their presence while feeling some nationalistic anger that they didnt seem equally moved. earlier in the day i picked up a copy of the onion, which satirized the lack of much progress on the site, thanks to bureaucracy and greed. some latino guys were hawking cheesy remembrance pamplets to onlookers.

both paper products seemed kinda blasphemous, but this being nyc, it was also strangely perfect. a guest on wnyc today talked about how everyone wants to own a piece of 9/11. most americans cant find the usa on a world map, but every one of us saw images of the collapsing towers. as the defining moment of a generation, 9/11 integrated itself into each of our identities, and i think that owning a bit of the tragedy makes us feel included and understood.

luckiest man on earth

2006-09-06T18:54:00.000-07:00

yesterday, a light but surprisingly soaking rain fell on me as i walked from the 68th street/hunter college 6 line to meet lulu at presbyterian hospital. he gave me the keys to his apt and i donned a white plastic poncho and made my way up to 302 88th, which garnered bemused looks from young puerto men of a similar age.

this morning, far away from the center of any activity and with my distate for paying for public transportation in tact, i made my way downtown on foot, walking over 100 new york city blocks in preparation for much more walking to come over the next three months. it felt good to be in 'the city' on a cool partly sunny day. and to my great fortune, a bird crapped on my shoulder shortly after my departure. i was told this is an extremely lucky sign. i feel fortunate.

last time i was here i saw protests, art openings, rowdy grammar school kids and a tranny doll auction. this time im waking up late and walking around picking up the last few things on my to-do list. its been nice. my homies at made in brazil recorded this clip while he was in france, citing it as proof of 'when you are traveling abroad, there comes a time when you sort of snap for a while.' i cant wait to find out what makes me snap. i had a very strong affection for these four horny old ladies as a lil boy. i remember being very excited to tell my piano teacher (who did not own a tv) that channel 11 now had gg reruns every morning at 10 am. she looked at me quizzically. now i cant stand the show. the storylines and conflict archs are unbearably formulaic one can predict its course just seconds into the show... or maybe ive seen each episode cinq fois?

bye bye chi

2006-09-05T13:38:00.000-07:00

after a nutty night trying to dismantle my todo checklist im just hours from saying bye to chicago... for a time at least. i leave with unexpectedly rave reviews for americas second city, having enjoyed very pleasant weather and family life for a brief few weeks. onward to nyc and la before the mudderlund.

friends: real and imagined

2006-09-04T03:30:00.000-07:00

its getting late on my departure eve eve, but ive got a few cups of ovaltine and earl grey tea pumpin ma veins with caffeination hateration. after a few melancholy days cycling through the many emotions my voyage will inevitably incite, im antsy to get going.

since none of my 'real' friends elected to join me on my asia power excursion (the 'i have a job' excuse got played out), i discovered jason, my sexy asian cyber friend who will share with me this once in a lifetime experience. traveling 90 days with anyone is a gamble- theres something about being without many of the conveniences of home that makes trekking exhausting. but from the little that weve talked, i learned that jay (i like nicknames) always insists on paying the bill, spontaneously disappears during those tense 'need to be alone' moments, and has intestines of steel.

now, on the off chance that i tire of my make believe mens, come back for profiles of the fine asian men i encounter. sure, traveling solo is kinda romantic, but i dont want to merely trace the well-worn paths of the guidebookers. id much rather find a handsome local to help configure an authentic indigenous experience. in fact, over the next 3 months, i will institute a new policy: i shall only travel with heretofore strangers! take that u employed amigos! and consider how your bygone conventions make me look undesirable to my not-yet friends!

final dayz wit da panda bear

2006-09-03T21:08:00.000-07:00

ive taken to calling my lil niece 'zztcp' or long-hand: zing zing the chinese panda. undoubtedly one of the greatest opportunities of the past several weeks in chicago was spending time with her. highlights include jamming with her to mandarin ballads, her obsession with english springer spaniels, her referring to me simply as 'sssssss' (a shortened version of the korean word for uncle), and witnessing one lil human beings incredible capacity to absorb and make sense of everthing around her. uncle pants is gonna miss ya sweet cheeks!

dont be strangers

2006-08-26T16:13:00.000-07:00

as part of my 'americas big three' city scramble, i hope all yall far and wide might make an effort to schedule quality face time if youre in
chicago, nyc or la over the next 2 wks. call marty.

chicago (now thru sept 4)
new york (sept 5-8)
los angeles (sept 9-10)
--> asia

travel channel update

2006-08-22T18:27:00.000-07:00

for the past couple of days, ive felt queasy about going to pakistan. the us dept of state has issued a travel warning discouraging 'non-essential travel' due to precarious terrorist threats, which egged on feelings that karachi was perhaps too far off the beaten path. 'sectarian violence in punjab province has eased, although christians are still occasionally targeted' (sounds like my kind of place). but in the 2 hours i spent frantically creating an itinerary for the pakistani consulate general, i got re-enthused about the subcontinent. my lonely planet book couldnt conceal its disinterest in karachi, but was effusive about lahore, pakistans cultural center to the north. so ill spill some extra rupees for the additional flight into the hinterlands. plus... it only took 2 hrs to get me my $120 pakistani visa at their consulate on michigan ave. im sure my name and pic are already on their way to homeland security. look for my mug with 'half-korean al qaeda' on ur local news.

in terms of the bigger travel picture, its amazing what happens when you actually start doing some research about the places you plan to go. all of a sudden ive found logistically problematic holes in what looked like a fine itinerary. one or two scheduling snafus can be renegotiated thru an extra flight or by nixing a particular destination, but when u realize that your schedule has you missing asias biggest annual homo circuit party by mere days, an overhaul is mandatory.

so here she is. the additional $250 in change fees sucks, but im oh so much happier with my new schedule, which includes previously unscheduled days in japan:

9/4-9/8: nyc
9/9-9/10: la
9/11-9/17: kuala lumpur
9/17-9/19: penang
9/19-9/24: taipei
9/24-9/28: singapore
9/28-10/7: ho chi minh
10/7-10/8: hong kong
10/8-10/15: bali
10/15-10/20: hong kong
10/20-10/23: phuket
10/23-11/1: bangkok
11/1-11/7: karachi/lahore
11/7-11/8: seoul
11/8-11/11: daegu/jeju island
11/11-11/22: seoul
11/22-11/27: tokyo
11/27-12/4: seattle
12/4-... : ?

ill be a schizophrenic deaf mute by the time i return if i dont have any travel buddies... currently accepting qualified candidates. please?

reunitied and it feels so good

2006-08-18T11:52:00.000-07:00

dear socialist rep. of viet nam,

thank you for returning my passport in due haste with a multiple-entry visa enclosed. i was fearful for a time, given the fact my pops was in the war and my submitted photo resembled the 20th hijacker. plus, it was just kinda scary to send my american freedom voucher so far away. i promise to be good.

yours truly,
pants

baby and the burbs

2006-08-17T21:59:00.000-07:00

we went to the very fancy wilmette pool today. such is the life of the retired manny. zuzu wasnt her typically wild self, tho the water felt nice and its always a hoot to be around throngs of tweens.

the dust settles: zen lite

2006-08-14T10:56:00.000-07:00

i enjoy undiagnosed ocd. since that fateful day a few months ago when i picked up a mac version of sim city, ive found an almost perfect creative hypnosis. after cautious experimentation, i spent several hundred hours creating my perfect gotham. 'central city' was an impressive beaut. in those quiet wee early morning hours, i built complex public transit systems that crisscrossed the grid via tunnels carved through mountains and plunged beneath rivers. miles of parks lined the perimeter of an island laden with skyscrapers inspired by a manhattan-meets-vancouver aesthetic. i was especially proud of my shore-conforming seawalls that manicured the shipyards and waterfront. at the risk boasting, these impressive public works were made while amassing a $17 million simoleon surplus and enjoying the highest mayoral rating possible! (prideful curtsy)

to many of you i sound no different than the techie geek living in his mothers basement who masturbates to the hybrid woman-cat cartoon warrior vixen he sketched. but to those of you in our large secret sim city society, i can feel your collective brows sag in genuine sympathy when i tell you that... purse, blink and gulp... central city is no more.

(moment of silence)

i was poised to enjoy a 3.5 hr flight with just me and my city. instead, not just these three hours but every hour henceforward must be endured without my simtropolis. (fyi: never restart your computer while sim city is loading). my reaction was surprisingly understated. after a few moments of disbelief, i felt a blanket of calm overtake me that a corpse might envy. perhaps its just my mandarin pop songs that keep me buoyed, but lately it seems like life dont much faze me. sure, losing ones fake city may not be the best way to demonstrate personal zen, but it reminds me that im increasingly appreciative of why things turn out the way they do and, accordingly, dont find myself resentful of the outcome. also, id rather not focus on the inordinate amount of time i spent making something meaningless that now, with it gone, seems even more pointless. i could also describe my evolved state as emotional death, but thats not flattering.

lately ive realized that time away to process the difficult environs of my childhood has helped me see that the worst is behind me and that when difficult times do arise, i can deal. its a liberating and safe feeling. when amongst others, however, given my own angry reactions to people telling me to 'calm down,' its never a good idea to ascribe your own adversity threshold to others. pants knows that you simply cant dismiss how folks feel.

sure, i miss my pritty city, but its abrupt destruction is prolly a good thing. more important than helping me acknowledge some fundamental absurdity and meaninglessness of life (im kidding), i got 3 wks before takeoff and i aint got no itinerary. so refrain from sim city, my pet! build me once, shame on you! build me twice, shame on me! get to work, marty!

metamorphosis

2006-08-12T18:25:00.000-07:00

last night a young frenchman and canadienne slept on my couch, thanks to globalfreeloaders.com. since i am relying on this site to land free digs in asia, i thought it proper karma to offer my own home to seattle-bound travelers for the few days that im here.

so, at 12:01 am jeremie calls to say that he is here and asks if it is alright for a lady friend he just met to join him. eh, why not? double the pleasure, double the fun. sure, having two young strangers (to me and to each other) sleeping ensemble in my home was new and mildly awkward. them filling my neti pot with vegetable oil for massage purposes was interesting. tho thoughts of bodily fluids, theft, damage and/or assault passed through my head, they seemed like good kids and the prospect of being ripped off or soiled didnt seem like a big deal anyhow. plus, with my own travels around the corner, i thought it would be interesting to pick these far more bohemian brains for tenets of their travel philosophy.

dont stop the presses, but recent events make me feel like im chilling out and coming out of my antisocial shell. compare obligatory shmooze events during my mavin days, when i would retreat to the corner with social lubricants in hand and with my eyes strictly above or below others sight lines to my uncharacteristic chattiness with my row mates on recent flights; or, my complete non-reaction to missing my flight the other day... eh, whens the next one?

its pretty cliche that personal transformation would happen during my months off the job. whats mildly unnerving tho is how quickly its happening. generally i embrace the fear and discomfort change inevitably brings. its just taking me a bit to catch up with myself and to integrate everything into my understanding of who i am. the growth is exciting, but big parts of me feel foreign. this is fun if not mildly spastic.

t minus 30 days

2006-08-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

just 2.5 more days before my encore trip to seattle wraps up. my international guest has departed, my furniture is slowly but surely being snapped up by the public, and ive had the pleasure of spending a good part of my final hours with a very charming taiwanese-canadian guy who just moved here from chicago. god bless jesuss zany humor!

with exactly 1 month prior to asian bonanza, chicago means four weeks of planning madness. so whats got me most antsy to get on back to chitown? a certain saucy lil señorita who awaits my return.

fleeting glimpse of an azn homo posse

2006-08-06T02:37:00.000-07:00

in the coupla days following van pride and before koko mean bean flew back to the land of the morning calm, i had a fleeting asian homo homie posse experience. whats that you ask? the satisfaction of traveling en masse, of forfeiting a bit of ones individuality for the sake of the collective, of being amongst a coterie of like-minded or like-looked mankubs, of simple strength in numbers. ive always been a bit of a loner, so the organic birth of our multinational asian homo delegation on a random seattle summer evening was memorable. thanks guys! (oh yeah, if u want me to play matchmaker with these eligible bachelors, dont be shy... me thinks theyre all single.)